25 & Still Dreaming

Dear Readers,

25 – I’m really here.

When I was younger, I used to dream about myself and what it would be like to be 25 years old. I would fantasize my life back then and imagine how my life would’ve looked like. I would dream about having my own house, being married, having kids, and dream about the countless countries I would had travelled.

As I turn 25, I find myself still dreaming.

To be completely honest with you all, 24 was was not my best year. I had never felt so unaccomplished in my life. Perhaps, it’s from the constant pressure from my family to “get married“, or, “buy a house“, or “start having babies“.  It could also be from seeing my mutual connections online, who are around my age and are already achieving milestones in their lives, such as marriage and becoming parents. It’s really different for me, my 24th year was just so uneventful.

The more I reflect on the idea of “accomplishment”, the more I realize the following:

1.) My accomplishment should not be limited to other people’s idea of accomplishment

2.) I’m not being kind to myself

3.) I’m still accomplishing a lot

Let’s break this down.

1.) People have different ways of measuring or defining being “accomplished“. Some may define it through monetary values, some may define it through the number of awards one has earned, while others may simply define it as being able to live yet another day. It varies for everyone. During this pandemic (future self please note, 2020 was the year wherein the Coronavirus caused a pandemic and worldwide disruption), I learned that life should not be taken for granted. Life is too unpredictable, and things can change instantly. With this, I realized that sometimes, living through another day alive, is still an accomplishment worth celebrating. Not many people are able to accomplish to live for another day. This precious life needs to be celebrated even for the most simple reasons… celebrate yet another sunset, celebrate yet another day in which you were able to live. Even if it was just an ordinary day, romanticize it. Your life is not ordinary, your life is meant to be extraordinary. So please, romanticize everything from the most subtle, unproductive, lazy of laziest days… because someone out there, would want to have another 24 hours to live… someone out there, would want to see another sunset again.

2.) I’m not being kind to myself… As an influencer/blogger, people only get to see my happy days… my best days… my edited and filtered days… what you don’t see is the background. The struggles I continue to face, especially when it comes to my body image. Social media has given me a platform to share my life and to reach thousands of people worldwide. Social media has also given me a reason to be overly critical with myself. What I see online, has influenced the way I want to look… how I see my body, how I see others, and how I want to be seen. I have my best days, wherein I feel my best and confident. AND I also have my bad days, wherein I feel like crap and extremely out of shape. This year, I really struggled with loving my body. Each day, I overcome this mentally, by speaking to my inner self with affirmations that: “I am beautiful, I am loved, and I will love myself above all“. My body may not be skinny and tall, but it is what shapes me… from my rolls and thick calves, my body continues to service me and I need to appreciate it more. We all want to become somebody else, but it’s so much easier to just be YOU. Being kind to myself is one thing I will continue to accomplish throughout my life.

3.) I’m still trying to accomplish a lot. I’m a dreamer, and I know there are still plenty of memories to create ahead of me, plenty more doors to open, plenty more wishes to make, and plenty more experiences to learn. My life is an ongoing accomplishment. I have lots to accomplish, and I don’t think I will ever stop trying to accomplish something. The difficulty of always chasing after something to accomplish is forgetting the ones you already had accomplished. This is where I often find myself. I’m always comparing my success to other people’s without giving enough merit and appreciation for my own accomplishments. For example, in real life I am still living at home, unmarried and without children… for some generations ahead of me, being 25 and still living with your parents is a sign of “being unaccomplished“. BUT IS IT REALLY? Who in the hell made those rules anyways… is there really a timeline of when I should get married, move out and have kids? NO – THERE IS’NT. (unless my parents kick me out that is… hi mom, please let me save more money for my down payment and I will be out of your house!!!!) Your life is yours to live, don’t discredit how far you had come because others seem to be moving more than you. It’s not always about how fast you’re going, it’s also about being able to establish solid building blocks along the way. Be kind to yourself, congratulate yourself for all your successes, and strive for a better tomorrow. Look forward to what’s ahead, without doubting your own pace. Your accomplishment should be focused on the movement and the progress… not in the speed.

Dear Dez –  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I know 2020 was a rough one – but don’t worry, you’re making moves. You’re accomplishing daily progress, and sometimes you may not even realize it… but you’re really going farther and farther away than you were at yesterday. So keep on going. Don’t let yourself down.

25 is the year you continue to push forward. Accomplish those baby goals, work towards the future you fantasized about… and one day, you’ll get there. IF you get stuck, and find yourself reading your old poems, try to remember this: there are countless times in your life wherein your heart was so broken and your soul was so lost, and each time you thought you were not going to make it – you still did. You learned, you grew, you built yourself up and you continue to do so every single fucking day. So heads up sweetie, you got this.

I hope that when you find yourself feeling unaccomplished and distancing away from your reality, I hope you find yourself here. May this inspire you, may this push you, and may this shape who you’re becoming. The woman you’re currently shaping will touch so many lives, and will spread so much love along the way. Don’t doubt her.

This blog is dedicated to the people I love and loved, and to the ones I have yet to love, this one is for you. Thank you to those who had been a part of my life then but are not anymore. Thank you to those who are still around for me. Thank you to my family. Thank you to the love of my life, Jason Yang.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio


25 & Still Dreaming