Relationship Guide #3: The Growth Process

Dear Readers,

Jason and I finally made it through another year – Happy TWO years babe!!!

(This blog is being released a day earlier, our official anniversary date is June 25)

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2 YEARS LATER… 

THE BIGGEST RELATIONSHIP LESSON WE LEARNED THIS FAR, IS GROWTH.

Looking back at it, the two years we’ve had truly feels like two decades… I still can’t fully believe that Jason and I had only been together for this short, when his presence in my life is so great… I feel like I’ve known him all my life. The memories still feels brand new, our conversations never fails to bore me, our laughter still feels pure from within, and our relationship feels so much stronger than it had ever been.

But without a doubt, there were a few bumpy roads along the way… we had our fair share of fights like most couples do, and some fights were bigger than the rest. As each fight came and ended, we grew, we learned, and we became better. All our fights were never left unsettled. Regardless of how annoyed we were of each other, or how badly I wanted to walk away, we always found a way back to solve the issues we created in the first place. As my dad always told me, “never sleep angry because you do not want to wake up angry too.” 

Jason and I, we are nowhere close to perfect… but we work ourselves towards it… we slowly push each other to become the better version of ourselves day by day. We formed our relationship to break our own ideals of perfection, while slowly embracing the flaws that make us a unique pair. Of all the people I grew with, Jason is by far the best one as he walks and grows with me little by little, day by day.

Key note: we walk and grow together, never alone.

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At this time in my life, I’m in no rush to have it all figured out. To my younger readers, I have one simple message for you all:

 “Your early 20’s is a time to grow and learn. Make a few mistakes and learn from it. Fall hard on your feet, and grow right after. And at the end of it all, learn and grow some more.”

Please take that message personally into your current and future relationships too. Things aren’t always going to be pretty and all figured out. Sometimes, a couple have to face some harsh and ugly situations to get through the beautiful parts of their relationships. And for the most part, a relationship is a constant, day by day process of trying to figure life out together. Figuring life out together as a pair, is what it’s really all about.

During this process of “figuring life out”, you will grow.

A relationship should also give you plenty of room to grow, both as a pair and as a person. Never stop growing for the sake of yourself or for your partner. There will never come a time wherein your personal growth will stop… it can only be slowed down. Trust me, even old people still continue to grow day by day, because age is just a number while growth is a part of your life forever. And this same holds true for a couple’s growth. It never stops, it just slows down. The biggest setback within a relationship, is learning how to push through the slower stages of growth. But after maneuvering yourselves out of this slow and dreaded path, everything else will come so much easier. drawing-gif-cute-couple-2.gif

Growth. The constant purpose and desire to grow, is the true fuel that ignites a lasting and solid relationship. Don’t ever stop growing. 

As you all may already know, Jason doesn’t like to be publicized – he keeps a low profile. But, you all know ME and I BLOG. So, to end all of this up, I want to write a cute little message to the man who gave me the inspiration to blog, and the support I need to turn my life into the dream I’ve always envisioned.

Dear Jason,

Thank you for being you. I love you so much and I can’t imagine how I would be like today without you impacting the decisions I make and being a part of all my growth. Thank you for keeping me grounded, for telling me I’m wrong when I insist on being right, and for always believing in me. Thank you for taking my Instagram photos and being my date on countless social media events. Thank you, for literally everything you do to make my life a whole lot easier. Happy two years my love, to forever to go.

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With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

Relationship Guide #1: Holy Trinity

Dear Readers,

The other day, I was interviewed by a student in communications and broadcasting at the Southern Alberta Institute of Technology (SAIT), who was doing a project about local Calgary influencers. Among her questions was, “what got you into blogging in the first place?

And, just like that I’m here writing this post.

My blog, is a personal story of my life. An open book that tells stories of heartaches and love. Those who had been reading along with my stories since the very beginning will know that this blog was originally a “relationship and love” blog. Why I stopped writing about relationships and love… I really don’t know.

After, my traumatic experience of being cheated on, lied to, used, and completely being treated like trash… I built myself bigger, better, and brighter. I told myself, “one day, all  you will ever write about are the pretty things in life, all the positives, all the happy things, and all the good that is there in life.”

That’s when I lost a genuine piece of me, because by letting myself write my pain and sorrow showed a side of our being that we all have –  it showed both vulnerability and strength. The moment I stopped talking about my relationships and views about love, was the moment I lost my spark as a writer. There’s nothing more empowering and true than a woman who is speaking genuinely from her core. And tonight, I’m going to do exactly that.

On that thought, I kept thinking – maybe I should invest a portion of my blog to be one section devoted to act as a “Relationship Guide”. So here we are, as I welcome you to the first post in my “Relationship Guide” series, which I hope will become a monthly occurrence. (YAY – IM BACK BITCHESSSS!)

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My aim with these series:

  • allow myself to write expressively and freely again
  • be your serving guide towards a better and healthier relationship
  • release MONTHLY content

On that note, LET’S START !

In a perfect world, love is in abundance. In a perfect world, heartaches and being broken doesn’t exist. Yet we all know, the perfect world doesn’t exist until we reach heaven. But on earth, we try to make the best version of  our heaven that we can get.

Jason and I had been doing great. In fact, we barely fight. When we do, we often solve our issues as best we could and as fast as we can. Leaving things unresolved to linger longer is not really our forte.  Thus, being happy and at peace in a healthy relationship is not really the best case scenario for a relationship blogger who have readers more interested in heartbreak stories. Then I realized, maybe I should talk about what makes my relationship with Jason so great – and like a giant flickering light bulb, it dinged and hit me: I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE 3 CORE THINGS A RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FOR IT TO LAST!!!! 

Throughout the years I had come to understand that a relationship needs 3 core things in order for it to last. I call these 3 core things, as the “Holy Trinity” – which consists of:

1.) Humility

2.) Patience

3.) Trust

HUMILITY

We all have egos bigger than the sun, and pride too strong to be ignored. Sometimes, our ego and pride can get the best of us… Sometimes, we act more towards what our ego dictates and what our pride can’t contain. In a relationship, acting out based on ego and pride is an ultimate path towards failure. But, I get it… sometimes it’s hard to apologize, or accept your fault, or to let an argument go, or to ignore the little things… Like I genuinely get it…

BUT…

There must come a point wherein both partners need to humble themselves down.

After an argument, remember that it’s always easier to “say sorry”,  than to yell your lungs out and create a bigger issue out of nothing.

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When you fuck something up, it’s easier to admit to it, than to keep denying your own faults. You’re human  and you’re not always going to be right – so just dial it back, and own up to your mistakes!!!! Remember – everyone in life must own up to their faults, because there is nothing worse than a person who lacks accountability. This advice is not just for personal relationships, it applies to everything!!!

When an argument stirs up, and you find yourself in complete conflict with your partner, don’t just sleep it out and “let it go”… voice yourself out… and make sure that at some point you two find a way to meet in the middle and understand each other’s views without putting your own views at stake.

Lastly, never ignore the little things… the little things like, “miscommunication”, “forgotten plans”, “lack of effort”, “strange behavior” , “unspoken actions”, “misguided thoughts”, and soooo much more issues that people typically consider as the “little things”,
should NEVER be ignored. Don’t let your ego tell you, “you don’t have time for this”, “don’t listen to this nonsense”, “he’s wrong, I’m right”, or “I have better things to do”.

Personally, I want people to reciprocate the amount of effort I give in a relationship, to communicate with me, and to understand that, even though my life is busy as it is, I always have time to listen and to talk… I may not always be the first one initiating the conversation, but when you need me, I’m there. So when I need to talk, even if it’s a “little thing”, you better be there to listen to me, as I would for you.

Put your ego aside, and for the right person, learn how to give as much as you take, listen as much as you talk, and accept that your flaws are just as equal as your partner’s flaws. Find joy in being humble, because the right person for you will be able to see the real you, through and through.

“You are not greater than your partner. sometimes, saying nothing at all is better than making any noise. Silence speaks more volumes than words ever will at times of anger”

PATIENCE

Just like many things, relationships will require huge amounts of invested time and tremendous amounts of patience. As life continues on, and the days feel shorter and shorter, I understand how people start to lose their patience with the people they love. Trust me, I’m very impatient myself.

But Jason has taught me, that not everything happens in one day.

The prettiest butterflies in the world, started as caterpillars – and just like butterflies, a relationship needs time to grow too.

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Do you want to know what’s a great test for patience???

Remember waiting for you partner to arrive as he is late for your dinner reservation… or waiting for him to come home so you can start your favorite Netflix shows… or waiting for him to text you back… or waiting for him decide on whether or not pasta for dinner is better than pizza. Remember, how patient you were in these situations because you knew how important these little things are to your relationship???

No matter what happened, even if your partner was running late, you still waited… and you never gave in and watched that Netflix show alone… (I mean you could had – but keep it hush hush 😂). That’s patience.

All of these…. are tests of patience… at the simplest kind. But to build onto this, consider how it feels when a promise is broken, or a simple favor was not completed… like you asking your partner to clean the washroom before you get home, but that task was still untouched by the time you got home, or even asking your partner to pick up some pads from the grocery store on his way home, but he somehow forgot… when promises are broken and effort is lacking, it can be pretty frustrating at certain times.

But you must remember: “BE PATIENT”.

Before you boil up and lose your shit – ask yourself: is this really worth fighting over with??? Maybe he had a bad day too??? Maybe he’s just as tired as you??? Maybe he did try to buy those pads, but the store ran out of pads???

Always ask, before acting out. (A lesson I need to apply for myself too)

“If your anger can be fixed in 30 minutes, why let it stay for long?”

Sometimes, it’s smarter to evaluate whether or not, a little forgotten task, or a little misunderstanding is worth a giant fight. Is it worth 30 minutes of anger??? Or can I use the 30 minutes of being angry to talk and figure out what went wrong???

Instead of fighting and arguing about it, use that time to figure it out… This is where patience really, really, really kicks in.

It takes a lot of patience to control your anger and act maturely… and sometimes, the best way to execute it, is to evaluate whether or not the fight is worth it to begin with. For the most part, everyday petty fights are not worth calling your friends over for wine night to vent out your frustrations, or yelling hysterically at your partner, or even calling the relationship “OVER” (don’t be that dramatic – note to self 😂😂😂).  Just learn to be patient and your relationship will reward you 100 times more. original.gif

TRUST

Above all things, learn how to trust.

For a lot of  people, trusting someone is super-super-super hard. Take me for example, I had been so hurt by some cheating asshole before, that trusting people to not hurt me again is literally super hard. The word “trust” just means so much to me, and I protect that word so much, that when I give it to you, you better protect that shit with your life.

Before Jason, learning how to trust other people was like learning how to fly – it was almost impossible and unattainable. Yet here we are – Jason Yang managed to bring out my wings, and now I’m soaring so high, I’m never going to fall again.

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For the most part, I still find it hard to trust Jason – especially when other females are involved.

But then again, I have to keep reminding myself that TRUST is the most important part of an effective and lasting relationship.

At times wherein you feel like your trust is missing or if you don’t want to give your trust away, JUST REMEMBER THIS:

“If he fucks up on you, that’s his loss sis. A true beauty like yourself, should never have time to entertain anything less than real”

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Even though it can be super difficult to trust someone, just believe me when I say, “give your trust to them now, and if they lose it, just cut them out forever”. This is the life motto that will get you places, believe me.

At the end of the day, any solid relationship will need a strong basis of trust. For a couple to last long, both partners need to try to protect and solidify their trust towards the relationship as a whole – not just on an individual level, but more towards trusting that the relationship you two have, have the capacity to sustain all trivial times and overcome any storms because the trust you two have on each other is built from pure gold.

HUMILITY, PATIENCE & TRUST: are all a relationship needs to succeed. These are the Holy Trinity of any relationship. Master these, and I’m sure that relationship will conquer and last for many, many, many years to come.

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With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

Don’t Doubt Yourself – The E.B.T Notion

June 26, 2017

Dear Readers,

We all have fears; Fear of our dreams, fear of our future, fear of losing people, fear of the uncertainties, fear of death, fear of living life, and many, many more fears. The list of fears can never be stopped. But your state of mind and how you handle these fears can be changed. Lately, I’ve been coming to terms with my own fears too. For the most part, my fears are derived from the fears of others. But, what does that mean? 

In my family, failure is never an option. In fact, this belief is not only persistent in my family but it also exists in other families all over the world. For those of you who may not know me well, I come from a strong Filipino home. My parents being Filipinos had implanted in my head to attain my life goals through being competitive academically, socially, artistically, and/or physically. To be the best, according to my culture one must be one of the 3 things: educated, beautiful, OR talented (Let’s call this the E.B.T notion). If you lack attributes in any of these 3 categories your life is deemed for failure, while having all 3 suggests your life will be better than most. 

I say “FUCK THAT” to the E.B.T notion.

This notion is insanely absurd because it places a limit on an individual. What bothers me the most is how this concept ranks an individual according to their mental capacity, physical appearance, and inborn gifts. Why are we categorized according to the E.B.T notion? How does this lead towards our own self-fulfillment and dreams? I absolutely hate this notion because it implies failure IS AN OPTION IF YOU’RE NOT EDUCATED, BEAUTIFUL OR TALENTED. Instead of influencing a child to be a dreamer, and to believe in his/her own capacity we turn to the E.B.T notion to promote more fears and doubts. We instill the idea of “you’re not good enough” instead of promoting “you can do it”. We tend to emphasize more on the failure rather than the possibility of success. This idea gives birth to fears and doubts in our youths solely because it underlines that if you’re not smart, attractive or talented, then what else can you possibly offer. This notion develops doubts within our youths to the highest extent.

Frustrating. This whole notion in itself is out of shape. I understand that old habits never dies, such as old beliefs never fades. I understand the importance of education, but do we really need a million lawyers, doctors, scientists and businessmen? Being beautiful is a gift, but is beauty really the same in everyone’s eyes? For the women who were not born with a pretty face, does that ultimately mean we are obligated to surgical enhancements in order to be deemed as beautiful? Just like beauty, being talented is also an individual gift. But when we say “talent“, why do we automatically assume that the realms of being “talented” are only defined within musical, artistic, and athletic gifts.

There is so much more to life than just this.

The pressures we place upon the younger generation is too much. We expect too much from our young people, when we ourselves do not possess the ability to meet all these expectations. Due to our high expectations from our own failures, we force our youths to be better than US and the mistakes (or lack thereof) we made. For some, these expectations are influenced by unrealized dreams and goals that were never accomplished. Some, retains the E.B.T notion as mere tradition as it was something implied upon their lives in so they must do the same to their children. Regardless of the reasoning why high expectations exists, for the most part offsprings are often obligated to carry on their parents’ unrealized dreams. The children are expected to be better than the failures of their parents… and to be the next best thing.

This is unfair.

What we want from the younger generations may not exactly be what they want for themselves. We all have different gauges of success. For instance, some may define success through monetary achievements and material possessions. Some may define success through scholastics and knowledge. Some may define success by family intactness and strong friendships. Some will find success in pure solitude. For someone to determine the meaning of success in your life is truly limiting and insufferable. As we age, we will value things differently… some will value wealth more than family, education more than beauty, or talent over hard work. It should be your right as an individual to characterize your own life and develop your own values… it should be your freedom to decide what is truly important for your own good and happiness. For someone to imply the means of “how to live and how to have a good life” in your own life, is not acceptable at all.

You must break-free and follow your heart.

Life will always present fears and doubts in your head. The constant trouble of doubts will never leave your side, and even the most accomplished people have their own doubts too. For instance, let’s consider the situation of new university graduates. Yes, the new grads had definitely fulfilled one of the E.B.T requirements. But does that mean they’re ultimately on their way to a “happy-ever-after“? This question is so difficult to answer, because success and happiness varies for everyone. Some grads will find life fulfillment through knowledge and accomplishing a higher level of education. Some will not find any worth to this accomplishment until they find a job in which they can start acquiring monetary and career fulfillment. To some, this level of education may not be purposeful at all… to them, university education may just be a symbolic piece of paper in which they spent 4 years or more of their life achieving. Regardless of how you value your education, at the end of the day your happiness should only be characterized by you. Let’s keep expanding on this idea… shall we?

To those who value education, their definition of success is shaped by completing their university degree. To those who value money, their degrees is just another stepping stone towards their own definition of success. Lastly, to those who value education the least, their degree may just be a symbol of accomplishment that their families expected from them. That’s not all of it, here’s what triggers me the most…. what about the ones who will never find fulfillment in education… will they find fulfillment too?

If you think about, education is just one aspect of the E.B.T notion. Unfortunately, not everyone will satisfy each category of the E.B.T or to the extremely “unlucky” ones, they will never satisfy the E.B.T notion at all. Will these “unlucky” ones find fulfillment as well?

The answer is: YES.

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU FALL WITHIN THE E.B.T NOTION OR NOT, BECAUSE YOUR HAPPINESS IS BASED ON YOUR OWN AND HOW YOU DEFINED IT FOR YOURSELF.

If living a simple life means the world to you, then go ahead and pursue it. If you want to dance for a living for the rest of your years, then dance your heart away. If you want to become the next Donald Trump and make billions, then go ahead and hustle hard. Don’t doubt yourself just because others have doubts in you. Don’t trap yourself within the false boundaries that other people had created to limit your life. The doubts we have exists within the confines of this imaginary boundary that many doubters had created upon us. These doubters will always doubt you, and you must not let their negativity impact your life. Once you start doubting yourself, then that’s when you truly become a failure.

It doesn’t matter how, when and/or where you’ll find your happiness and self-fulfillment. Life is a journey… and through this journey you will understand more and more of yourself. Life will scare us all. We will find ourselves feeling lost at some point… and our doubts will haunt us from time to time. But the key to overcoming these doubts in our heads is simple: you need to believe in yourself and understand that you control your own life. Never let anyone else dictate your life for you… because once you start listening to the doubters, you will be become one too. A failure’s biggest mistake is doubting their own self.

Don’t doubt yourself. You can fucking do it.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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