Relationship Guide #1: Holy Trinity

Dear Readers,

The other day, I was interviewed by a student in communications and broadcasting at the Southern Alberta Institute of Technology (SAIT), who was doing a project about local Calgary influencers. Among her questions was, “what got you into blogging in the first place?

And, just like that I’m here writing this post.

My blog, is a personal story of my life. An open book that tells stories of heartaches and love. Those who had been reading along with my stories since the very beginning will know that this blog was originally a “relationship and love” blog. Why I stopped writing about relationships and love… I really don’t know.

After, my traumatic experience of being cheated on, lied to, used, and completely being treated like trash… I built myself bigger, better, and brighter. I told myself, “one day, all  you will ever write about are the pretty things in life, all the positives, all the happy things, and all the good that is there in life.”

That’s when I lost a genuine piece of me, because by letting myself write my pain and sorrow showed a side of our being that we all have –  it showed both vulnerability and strength. The moment I stopped talking about my relationships and views about love, was the moment I lost my spark as a writer. There’s nothing more empowering and true than a woman who is speaking genuinely from her core. And tonight, I’m going to do exactly that.

On that thought, I kept thinking – maybe I should invest a portion of my blog to be one section devoted to act as a “Relationship Guide”. So here we are, as I welcome you to the first post in my “Relationship Guide” series, which I hope will become a monthly occurrence. (YAY – IM BACK BITCHESSSS!)

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My aim with these series:

  • allow myself to write expressively and freely again
  • be your serving guide towards a better and healthier relationship
  • release MONTHLY content

On that note, LET’S START !

In a perfect world, love is in abundance. In a perfect world, heartaches and being broken doesn’t exist. Yet we all know, the perfect world doesn’t exist until we reach heaven. But on earth, we try to make the best version of  our heaven that we can get.

Jason and I had been doing great. In fact, we barely fight. When we do, we often solve our issues as best we could and as fast as we can. Leaving things unresolved to linger longer is not really our forte.  Thus, being happy and at peace in a healthy relationship is not really the best case scenario for a relationship blogger who have readers more interested in heartbreak stories. Then I realized, maybe I should talk about what makes my relationship with Jason so great – and like a giant flickering light bulb, it dinged and hit me: I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE 3 CORE THINGS A RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FOR IT TO LAST!!!! 

Throughout the years I had come to understand that a relationship needs 3 core things in order for it to last. I call these 3 core things, as the “Holy Trinity” – which consists of:

1.) Humility

2.) Patience

3.) Trust

HUMILITY

We all have egos bigger than the sun, and pride too strong to be ignored. Sometimes, our ego and pride can get the best of us… Sometimes, we act more towards what our ego dictates and what our pride can’t contain. In a relationship, acting out based on ego and pride is an ultimate path towards failure. But, I get it… sometimes it’s hard to apologize, or accept your fault, or to let an argument go, or to ignore the little things… Like I genuinely get it…

BUT…

There must come a point wherein both partners need to humble themselves down.

After an argument, remember that it’s always easier to “say sorry”,  than to yell your lungs out and create a bigger issue out of nothing.

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When you fuck something up, it’s easier to admit to it, than to keep denying your own faults. You’re human  and you’re not always going to be right – so just dial it back, and own up to your mistakes!!!! Remember – everyone in life must own up to their faults, because there is nothing worse than a person who lacks accountability. This advice is not just for personal relationships, it applies to everything!!!

When an argument stirs up, and you find yourself in complete conflict with your partner, don’t just sleep it out and “let it go”… voice yourself out… and make sure that at some point you two find a way to meet in the middle and understand each other’s views without putting your own views at stake.

Lastly, never ignore the little things… the little things like, “miscommunication”, “forgotten plans”, “lack of effort”, “strange behavior” , “unspoken actions”, “misguided thoughts”, and soooo much more issues that people typically consider as the “little things”,
should NEVER be ignored. Don’t let your ego tell you, “you don’t have time for this”, “don’t listen to this nonsense”, “he’s wrong, I’m right”, or “I have better things to do”.

Personally, I want people to reciprocate the amount of effort I give in a relationship, to communicate with me, and to understand that, even though my life is busy as it is, I always have time to listen and to talk… I may not always be the first one initiating the conversation, but when you need me, I’m there. So when I need to talk, even if it’s a “little thing”, you better be there to listen to me, as I would for you.

Put your ego aside, and for the right person, learn how to give as much as you take, listen as much as you talk, and accept that your flaws are just as equal as your partner’s flaws. Find joy in being humble, because the right person for you will be able to see the real you, through and through.

“You are not greater than your partner. sometimes, saying nothing at all is better than making any noise. Silence speaks more volumes than words ever will at times of anger”

PATIENCE

Just like many things, relationships will require huge amounts of invested time and tremendous amounts of patience. As life continues on, and the days feel shorter and shorter, I understand how people start to lose their patience with the people they love. Trust me, I’m very impatient myself.

But Jason has taught me, that not everything happens in one day.

The prettiest butterflies in the world, started as caterpillars – and just like butterflies, a relationship needs time to grow too.

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Do you want to know what’s a great test for patience???

Remember waiting for you partner to arrive as he is late for your dinner reservation… or waiting for him to come home so you can start your favorite Netflix shows… or waiting for him to text you back… or waiting for him decide on whether or not pasta for dinner is better than pizza. Remember, how patient you were in these situations because you knew how important these little things are to your relationship???

No matter what happened, even if your partner was running late, you still waited… and you never gave in and watched that Netflix show alone… (I mean you could had – but keep it hush hush 😂). That’s patience.

All of these…. are tests of patience… at the simplest kind. But to build onto this, consider how it feels when a promise is broken, or a simple favor was not completed… like you asking your partner to clean the washroom before you get home, but that task was still untouched by the time you got home, or even asking your partner to pick up some pads from the grocery store on his way home, but he somehow forgot… when promises are broken and effort is lacking, it can be pretty frustrating at certain times.

But you must remember: “BE PATIENT”.

Before you boil up and lose your shit – ask yourself: is this really worth fighting over with??? Maybe he had a bad day too??? Maybe he’s just as tired as you??? Maybe he did try to buy those pads, but the store ran out of pads???

Always ask, before acting out. (A lesson I need to apply for myself too)

“If your anger can be fixed in 30 minutes, why let it stay for long?”

Sometimes, it’s smarter to evaluate whether or not, a little forgotten task, or a little misunderstanding is worth a giant fight. Is it worth 30 minutes of anger??? Or can I use the 30 minutes of being angry to talk and figure out what went wrong???

Instead of fighting and arguing about it, use that time to figure it out… This is where patience really, really, really kicks in.

It takes a lot of patience to control your anger and act maturely… and sometimes, the best way to execute it, is to evaluate whether or not the fight is worth it to begin with. For the most part, everyday petty fights are not worth calling your friends over for wine night to vent out your frustrations, or yelling hysterically at your partner, or even calling the relationship “OVER” (don’t be that dramatic – note to self 😂😂😂).  Just learn to be patient and your relationship will reward you 100 times more. original.gif

TRUST

Above all things, learn how to trust.

For a lot of  people, trusting someone is super-super-super hard. Take me for example, I had been so hurt by some cheating asshole before, that trusting people to not hurt me again is literally super hard. The word “trust” just means so much to me, and I protect that word so much, that when I give it to you, you better protect that shit with your life.

Before Jason, learning how to trust other people was like learning how to fly – it was almost impossible and unattainable. Yet here we are – Jason Yang managed to bring out my wings, and now I’m soaring so high, I’m never going to fall again.

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For the most part, I still find it hard to trust Jason – especially when other females are involved.

But then again, I have to keep reminding myself that TRUST is the most important part of an effective and lasting relationship.

At times wherein you feel like your trust is missing or if you don’t want to give your trust away, JUST REMEMBER THIS:

“If he fucks up on you, that’s his loss sis. A true beauty like yourself, should never have time to entertain anything less than real”

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Even though it can be super difficult to trust someone, just believe me when I say, “give your trust to them now, and if they lose it, just cut them out forever”. This is the life motto that will get you places, believe me.

At the end of the day, any solid relationship will need a strong basis of trust. For a couple to last long, both partners need to try to protect and solidify their trust towards the relationship as a whole – not just on an individual level, but more towards trusting that the relationship you two have, have the capacity to sustain all trivial times and overcome any storms because the trust you two have on each other is built from pure gold.

HUMILITY, PATIENCE & TRUST: are all a relationship needs to succeed. These are the Holy Trinity of any relationship. Master these, and I’m sure that relationship will conquer and last for many, many, many years to come.

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With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

How to be Single on Valentine’s Day

February 8, 2018

Dear Readers,

It’s that time of the year again!!! Ohhhh Valentine’s Day, it’s every cuffed up person’s favorite day, and also the WORST day for those who are forever alone.

Anyone who is currently in a relationship or who is dating, most likely have their own plans made for February 14th. Some may had booked an exciting night conquering escape rooms, or relaxing over paint night. Some may had already planned a romantic dinner date at a fancy restaurant, or through a lazy home cooked dinner. Some may had booked a getaway in Banff, or perhaps plan on skating around Bowness Park. It doesn’t matter how you choose to spend it, Valentine’s Day is best spent with the person who makes you feel like everyday is Valentine’s Day!

For Valentine’s Day this year, I probably will be somewhere in Calgary eating steak with Jason and perhaps, ending the night in a sexy lingerie somewhere… Jason and I will be celebrating our FIRST Valentine’s Day together… and trust me, we had planned something quite amazing to make February 14, 2018 a memorable day.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE UNLUCKY ONES… THE ONES WHO ARE SPENDING VALENTINE’S DAY ALONE?!?!? WHAT ABOUT THEM?!?

Last year, I had a pretty lonely Valentine’s Day too. In fact, I spent last year’s Valentine’s Day studying for my tax midterm. Having gone through Valentine’s Day alone made me understand why single people hate this day. It’s really annoying to be single on Valentine’s. As soon as February rolls around, you get bombarded by red hearts all over the malls, chocolates packaged in hearts, bears holding hearts, heart shaped stickers, heart themed decorations, roses, red ribbons, and more HEARTS all over the place!

As a single person, it can get really annoying… it’s like the world telling you that no one is ever going to be your Valentine… that you’re most likely going to spend another lonely Valentine’s Day… that no one is ever going to love you… that you will be, forever alone… single as fuck…

Well, you poor, unfortunate soul, I have a few tips to get you through February 14, 2018!

1.) Buy your own chocolates or ice cream or BOTH

Independence is a sexy thing. So enjoy in these overpriced chocolates or ice cream, and treat yourself! After all, you have no one to look sexy for anyways… and the chocolates/ice cream will truly help you feel better in your misery… so you might as well indulge!

2.) Write yourself a letter

Self-love is the best love! Since you won’t be getting any Valentine’s Day card from a special someone, then you might as well write a letter for yourself. In the letter, you should write about what you love about yourself and what makes you unique. The letter will remind you of how amazing you are, and how you don’t need another person to remind you of your greatness. AND… while you’re writing, go eat your pre-bought chocolates too!

3.) Find a single friend and make dinner plans

In the billions of people in this planet, I’m sure you’re not the only one who’s single. There are actually quite plenty of you guys! Find that one friend or acquaintance or cousin or sister or brother or neighbour and make dinner plans with them!!! I think this tip is best for those dreading the idea of being alone on VDAY. So, you might as well ask around and make dinner plans! This is a great chance for you to socialize and create memories with the people who cares about you! So what if you’re single, you have friends and family that loves you too!!!

4.) Go watch a movie

This Valentine’s Day there are actually a few movies that comes out on the 14th, or movies that are already in theatres. Hello, “50 Shades Freed” !!!! There’s nothing wrong with going to the movies on your own… I mean, yeah, people might judge you and think you’re weird… or a loner… but hey, YOU’RE A BOSS ASS B* and you don’t need to listen to anyone’s opinion of you. The best part of going to the movies, is the delicious fatty bag of popcorn you can shove your face in!!! And since it’s Valentine’s Day, you can buy 2 bags of popcorn all for yourself… and you don’t have to worry about sharing!

Side note: you can find a single friend to go to the movies with you too, you don’t have to go alone.

5.) DO YOU. 

If I was single on Valentine’s Day this year, I’d most likely be doing this. You can “DO YOU” in many ways! Here are some tips:

-take a long warm bath or get a massage

-treat yourself for a pedicure or manicure

-do a facial mask and light a candle in your room

-read a book and drink your favorite wine

-bake something… some people think baking is relaxing… and you get to eat it after too! It’s a win-win situation!

-workout!!! If you’re like me, you’ll find that working out is the best way to unwind and calm your mind… I feel so much better after a good sweat!!! Working out uplifts your mood and that’s what you really need as a single person on VDAY.

I don’t know how you best unwind and relax, but on February 14th, if you have nothing else better planned, then just relax…. DO YOU!!!

You’re an independent, strong, smart, beautiful, and amazing human being. Valentine’s Day is just one day in the year, wherein people get to do extra and special things for their partners. In my opinion, Valentine’s Day should be an everyday thing… but it exists to give couples an excuse to be “extra” for a day.  It’s not overrated (I know you’re thinking this right now), it’s just a day to treat your loved one even more special!

Well for you, since you’re out here reading my post… I want you to know that someday you’ll have a Valentine too. Love comes unexpectedly and it comes when the timing is right. So be patient, and for the meantime… focus on YOU! DO YOU!

Now, don’t be too salty over the couples flaunting and flexin’ on the gram… Just keep on scrolling!! Who knows, maybe next year you’ll find yourself being extra as hell on February 14th too! Maybe next year, you’ll finally have a Valentine… and that’s something to look forward to!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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Love is a Matter of Choice – You Control Your Love and Life

May 11, 2017

Dear Readers,

Love is beautiful when it’s in the blooming phases, yet it is the ugliest when it fades to an end. As two people fall in love for each other, it starts as a feeling of pure magic and ecstasy. During the first phases of love, it feels as if you can conquer the world as long as your partner is with you. Gaining a “ride or die” mate, is an empowering feeling because it leads you to believe that you will always have someone throughout the thick and thin chapters of life. Love will have you feeling as if you are now completely unstoppable to do whatever you want just because you gained a trusted companion. But in reality, love doesn’t always last forever. No matter how much love a couple has for each other that love has the potential of losing its spark. Love can also end as a tragic tale. Often, love ends in the most painful way destroying each sides involved in the ordeal. However, the concept of love is not in the pain or beauty of it, but more of understanding how it truly works. The importance of love is to understand that we have the ability to control it all. We choose who we love, when to love, how to love, and what to love.

And when love ends, it may be too difficult to repair what has been lost and even more difficult to restart once again. 

This may not be true for some lovers who had gone their own separate ways, then found each other again many years later. There are couples out there who lost their ways as lovers, yet destiny reunited their paths back to each other. For those couples who are currently in love with their past mates as their future selves, I am very happy for you. But this story is mine, and sadly it doesn’t seem like I will be happily “in love” for awhile.

Everything we go through in life is a test of time. Life is a series of tests and with each test we are given two options: choosing to pass or choosing to fail (I’ll expand on this idea later on). I believe that we dictate the story of our lives to an extent, solely on the decisions we make. For example, consider the last person whom you loved and consider all the reasons why you fell in love for that person. Did you fall in love with that person’s personality? Did you admire his physical appearance? Were you attracted to their intelligence and charm? What really made you fall in love?

We fall in love with someone because we choose to. Love is a matter of constant decision makings and to an extent, we have the power to let ourselves fall in love with someone. Destiny and the laws of attraction can only work for so long, then it ultimately ends to your decision of whether or not you will choose to fight, to live, to be committed, to marry, to start a family, and to stay “in love” with another. If you still believe that love is not a matter of choice, then why do people still propose for marriage? Why does one need to ask another for their hands in marriage? If love wasn’t a matter of choice, why do divorces exist and still persist? Lastly, if it wasn’t a matter of choice, why do couples fall out of love?

If love was not a matter of choice, then love should be a reason enough to withstand all tests of time. If love was not a matter of choice, then love should be enough to resolve a couple’s differences, to heal a couple’s wounds, to liberate a couple from the feeling of isolation, and to answer all the obscurities of a relationship.  If love was not a matter of choice, love should be a reason enough to explain why there are no such things as “breakups”, “divorces”, and “going our own separate ways”. But since “breakups”, “divorces”, and “going our own separate ways” still exists, the theory of love being a choice is logically sound and true. At the end of the day, we are the ones who choose to stay in a relationship, we choose who we love, we choose to fight for the ones we love and we choose who we stay in love with.

Continuing on the two options I mentioned earlier, “choosing to pass or choosing to fail” 

We choose to “fail” in a relationship the moment we decide to stop trying. A relationship’s failure can be blamed on the individual’s decision to give up and choosing to stop “loving” their partner. Rationalize love through this, if you had already “fallen” for someone then how is it possible for you to “fall” out of love? You can’t fall out, when you had already fallen in. Visually, imagine life as a giant basket, love as a rock, and you as the controller. Once you had placed the rock inside the basket it will remain inside that basket until you decide to take it out. But if you leave that rock untouched inside the basket, it won’t go anywhere else, and essentially that’s what love is like. You have the control of selecting the type of love you want in your life. You control what rocks will remain in your basket, and which ones will be removed. A couple’s love will survive for as long as that rock is kept inside the basket. This ties me back to the idea of love being a “choice”. A relationship ends because in a way, one or both partners had decided to stop trying and chose to give up. Don’t blame love for the mishap of your relationship… blame yourself for not trying hard enough.

To “pass” the test of time in terms of love, both the partners involved within the relationship must constantly choose to fight for each other and choose to stay in love. No matter what difficulties comes in between a couple, love is a constant choice of staying, commitment, loyalty, trust, communication, understanding, and willingness to try. For a couple to understand this rationale and live with it, is how they can “pass” the tests of love.

I can’t just be friends with you. 

Given this long explanation about love being a choice, I am currently choosing to stay out of love. Romantically, my dear readers already know of how “single” and “available” I am. Although, I must admit that it is liberating and freeing to be independent, I still occasionally find myself yearning for love. After being in a relationship for 5 years, I sometimes find myself missing some aspects of a relationship. I’m human too! I do crave the physical intimacy, the cuddles, date nights, kissing, holding someone, and having someone to call at any given time of the day or night. In all honesty, I truly do miss my ex and there is still some love in me for him.

The other night, he approached me with the desire of us being “friends”. The idea of being just “friends” with my ex is absurdly painful. I can’t see myself as just his friend after all that we had been through. Above all, there is no possible way we can just be friends knowing that I still have love for him from deep within. It’s not fair, because by being “friends” I will just find myself too attached with someone whom I have no authority to claim as my significant other.

At this point I had determined the best answer to my “love” dilemma. To the ex, I see us ending in 2 ways and it will result from what we choose at the end.

1.) We go our separate ways forever.

2.) We improve ourselves enough to reconnect and restart all over again, as lovers.

Now the question is, what do you choose? 

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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