How to Overcome the Breakup Pain

Dear Readers,

We’ve all been there. Breakup. Heartbreak.

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You see, it may as well be breakup season since most of the people surrounding me seem to be going through a breakup or some sort of relationship downturn. It’s not the greatest feeling, and this is coming from a woman who had suffered heartbreak before. Viewing relationships now as a person in a healthy and strong relationship with Jason, really puts a lot of things into perspective. There are so much pain that a breakup brings, yet the lessons you learn throughout the breakup process is really something that will strengthen your character, and help define who you are.

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Before I dive too much in, please do not assume that Jason and I are going through a rough patch. You see, this blog was originally a relationship blog, and I just wanted to touch base with my roots. This post is for the other girls out there who currently have broken hearts.

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Let me tell you how you can overcome the breakup pain. Coming from a “professional relationship guru” – duhhhhhh.

I’m going to be honest with you – the first month after a breakup will be hell. You will spend the first few nights crying and the next few days feeling empty. But it is important to feel all of it. Cry your eyes out. Lay in bed and feel that pain. You must submerge yourself in the pain. Take note of how your heart beats for the love it cannot receive… take note of how your mind still stirs clear with the memories… take note of how your body is still functioning despite the pain you’re feeling inside… take note of how you’re still breathing… take note of your heartbeat, silently reminding you that you’re still alive… even after this breakup, you must understand that you still have a life to live.

There are 5 key steps you must go through after a breakup.

1.)  Cry it out

  • If you must cry it all out. There will come a point wherein the tears will eventually stop. For now, let yourself cry… don’t hold it back. Letting it out earlier is the fastest way of moving on. You definitely do not want to be that person 6 months or a year from now, who is still crying over a breakup…. nope, not you. In that case, the sooner you let your tears out, the faster you’ll arrive to a healed heart.

2.) Find an outlet

  • By any means, you must find ways to pull yourself together – you need an outlet. Think of an outlet as an “escape”. In your case, you need to escape the breakup pain. The sole purpose of an outlet is to help you escape the pain, even for a few hours. Outlets are distractions. For the most part, we all have plenty of outlets. School and/or work is one of our biggest outlets. We have our jobs, and some of you will have classes to attend. By dragging yourself to your office or by waking up early for that lecture, actually helps elevate your mind away from the pain. The idea is to have your attention diverted to other important things, not just your heartbreak. The more ways you can think of to distract yourself from the ugly reality of your breakup, the better.
  • Outlets can be people too. Your friends and family are the best outlets to reach out to during a breakup. They’re the ones who will know exactly what to say and what to do to distract you from the pain… they will know exactly what to do to make you feel at ease… and they will know exactly what to say to make you feel a little better.

3.) Don’t go back

  • We’ve all been there. The consideration of second chances and going back to your ex will be very, very appealing… you will probably consider calling him or texting him about 100 times during the few nights after the breakup. It’s a common response. We all want what we can’t have, even though we know it’s not good for us. Think about all the chocolates you’ve eaten a little too much of… You knew it’s not good for you, yet you still ate that extra box of Toblerone… Eating that extra box of chocolates and wanting to go back to your ex after a breakup are the same thing. It’s not good for you, yet I know, you’re going to do it anyways.
  • TRUST ME – you’re better off without that person. There’s a reason why the relationship failed and/or failing. Unless that problem had been sorted out, there’s no chance of “going back together” will work out. You can’t expect a bucket to get full with water if there’s a hole at the bottom… so what do you? You fix that motherfucking bucket, or replace it.

4.) Love yourself

  • I sound like a broken record, because this two word phrase, sentence, quote, whatever you want to call it, is my motto. “Love yourself” – the most important lesson that all of us must learn.
  • A healthy relationship always stems from the foundation of self-love a person has for herself/himself. How do you expect to love others, when you can’t even love yourself??? I know love is supposed to be selfish… but it’s not supposed to be selfless.
  • As painful as this sounds, the people who often fall out of love are those who lost sight of who they are. Once a person starts to lose themselves within the relationship, is when shit starts to fall apart. Literally. So, before you start jumping into a new relationship again, make sure that you have mastered the ability and skills required to prioritize yourself first. You owe it to yourself to have enough self-love, that your next partner can enjoy your love, and you can too. There’s nothing sexier than a lady who have her shit together.

5.) Grow

  • Just like the flowers, I hope you blossom during the spring after a cold winter. I know that you’ve probably been spending the past few days crying and feeling like shit… and that’s totally okay... I just want to assure you that one day, you’ll wake up a different person. After all this drama, you’ll be so much stronger, more beautiful, more independent, more of yourself than you’ll ever be. You’re going to grow.
  • Growth is an aspect of our lives we must always pursue. We all have room for growth, may it be in our relationships, careers, personal life, or even creatively. Growth is growth, and you must always strive towards it.

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Who we are as an individual is not defined by the failed relationships we had. Who we are, is defined by how well we rise above the challenges in our life. Who we are, is defined by the obstacles we conquered and our drive to continue pursuing a happy life. Most importantly, who we are is defined by the capacity of our hearts to give and receive love.

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*Photo was taken on June 25, 2017 – the day Jason Yang asked me to be his girlfriend*

The right love will come, and when it does, all the pain you endured will feel worthwhile. 

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

“Slow Down” They Said…

July 19, 2017

Dear Readers,

Have you ever been so attracted to someone that his/her energy just pulls you in each day? Have you ever been so invested in someone that you find yourself wanting more? Have you ever been so fascinated by someone’s character that his/her aura just draws you in each day? Have you ever been so thrilled by someone that their presence alone gives you heebiejeebies? 

I have.

After many days of pondering about this post, and all the negative connotations that will come along with it, I’ve finally decided to just write it… so here it goes.

People in my life keeps warning me to “slow down” and to “take my time” with my new relationship. I appreciate the cautious reminder to be careful, however I know myself all too well by now. I fall fast and hard, and my heart is a fragile piece that enjoys the thrill of a new relationship. I’m the type of person who will give my all for the one who deserves my soul… I’m either all in or not at all. So for those people who keeps reminding me to “slow down”, “take it easy”, and to “protect yourself” – I appreciate the warning… but I think the words “taking it slow” are just not in my heart’s relationship vocabulary.

Surely, if Jason decides to break my heart again, I guarantee my whole blog will explode with more heartbreaking stories all over again. If Jason breaks my heart, at least another great blogpost will rise out of it. (Calm down guys, I’m being sarcastic)

All jokes aside, I entirely trust him. He’s truly someone who I can connect with in all aspects. Jason and I have the same vision and we both want the same things in life. I think that our shared desire to grow as individuals is what strengthens our connection in each other. For example, his desire to be an accountant is appealing to me, as it is the same goal I have for myself. His desire to travel the world draws me in, as it is a dream I share with him. His desire to have a family in the future pleases me, as it is also a purpose in life I strive towards. Essentially, we’re too alike to end up the wrong way. We want to grow as a unit instead of two separate entities… and that is why we fit so well together.

Our desire to grow together is what makes our relationship healthy. We’re not limiting each other’s dreams or limiting each other’s potential. Instead, we push each other for the best… to reach the capacity of each individual’s potential and to strive towards the same goals. For example, Jason supports my passion and dedication towards this blog as much as I support his passion to play basketball. He pushes me to do well in my current online class, as much as I encourage him to stay on track in school. He wants to become a CPA (Chartered Professional Accountant) as much as I do. He wants to discover the world as much as I do. He wants to have a family as much as I do. I can go on and on and on about all our shared attributes, desires, and goals that the list can stretch for miles.

SO WHY LIMIT THE POTENTIAL WE POSSESS? 

I’ll admit, the pace Jason and I are going through is quite fast. Most of my family and friends had already warned me about the excessive amount of time I’ve been giving into this new relationship… however, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Isn’t the point of being in a relationship is to commit to someone and to spend your time with them? I’ve already learned from my past not to invest too much of myself and believe me, I understand the importance of finding the balance to make yourself, your friends, your family and your partner happy. I haven’t lost myself yet… and you better believe I won’t lose track of the people I held dear before Jason came into the picture. This relationship is nothing like my past was and comparing my current relationship to that from my past is almost disrespectful. In my opinion, I believe that this pace suits US and that’s all that matters to me.

For those who are genuinely concerned (my mom and friends) about my heart moving too fast… don’t worry… I already know that my relationship is moving too fast. But believe me, Jason is the safest person to fall fast for. Even though we’ve only known each other for 2 months, it truly feels like him and I had known each other for much longer. He knows me a little more than my own family does. He knows me a little more than most of my oldest friends does. He just knows me too well, and I know him well enough to understand he’s not the type who “fucks around”… he’s too grown for that and I’m too grown to be wasting more of my time on irrelevant people. Most importantly, I will not lose myself in this relationship, in fact I can only see myself growing more.

So to answer all the concerns about my current relationship… YES, I am in love with Jason and NO – I think we’re not moving too fast at all. AND IF WE ARE MOVING FAST… I really don’t mind the ride. I’m in it 100% for the worst and best of it. If I fall again, I’ll take the failure as another lesson. If I hurt myself again, I know the pain will only make me stronger… and IF WE LAST, then it will prove to all that I made the right choice.

Don’t prove me wrong baby, the contents of my blog is partially under your control too… and you already know that my blog is the story of my life… so make it great!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

Stampede 2017 - "Fireworks and a Kiss"
Stampede 2017 – “Fireworks and a Kiss”

 

Allow Yourself to Fall in Love Again

July 4, 2017

Dear Readers,

The ones who had been scarred by love, their trust is not easy to earn. The ones who had been destroyed by love, they’re the ones whose hearts are cold yet beautiful all at once. It’s not easy to forget about the pain of a past breakup, and for the most part that pain affects any relationships you may have at present. The pain reminds you of how beautiful love can be and how awful it can end. Unfortunately, the pain may also prevent you from committing too hard or giving all your love away to any of your future or current relationships. Deep inside the broken, there is a fear of love and that is why the ones who had been broken before have a colder heart than most.

Nothing is more haunting than being betrayed by love. Nothing is more painful than heartbreak. 

Within each wounded heart, there is this lingering hesitation of committing and falling in love. No one wants to fall in love again just to end up being broken like their past. Due to the fear of getting hurt, we tend to build walls to protect ourselves from the pain. Some, may build walls just enough to let others in, while some will build walls too high that will make it nearly impossible for anyone to enter. This behaviour is determined by how much pain a person suffered after a breakup. The ones who built low walls suffered minimal pain, while the ones who built the highest walls suffered the most pain. Regardless of how much pain one suffered, any pain of love is still an excruciating pain. This pain will live deep within each brokenhearted soul and this will remind them not to fall too fast or to fall too much. 

Each relationship we invest ourselves in will have the potential of becoming our “forever”, while some will become a life lesson. Unsuccessful relationships will strengthen us, but it will also change the way we love. As a person, we will learn to protect ourselves because of our fear of getting hurt again. At the same time, our past relationships will also teach us how to be a better partner and lover. After going through a rough history with love, a beautiful mix of fear and desire will sprout within your heart. Fear of being in love and the desire of being loved once again. This unexplainable mix of emotions varies for each individual. Some will want to find love again as soon as possible to replace the pain. Some will want to avoid love as much as possible in order to protect themselves from suffering pain again. Some will be right in between.

You will never love like your old love was, you will only love better for the next. 

To the ones who will purposefully avoid being in love, they’re the ones who suffered the most heartache. Thus, their hearts had grown too cold and unwelcoming. I believe that those cold hearts still possess the potential of loving once again. It will be difficult to give warmth to a frozen heart…. but once the right individual comes along, the ice on the surface will slowly begin to melt. All you need to do is to wait for the right one and allow yourself to fall in love once again. Someday, the right person will make every heartache you suffered worthwhile.

In my personal experience, I had gone through a dark and miserable heartbreak once. This blog was created due to that awful experience. I started to share my heartbreak as a public display of my anger on love. At some point, I was consumed more of hatred than love. At some point my heart was so cold, it was infeasible to find warmth. However, deep down within me, regardless of how broken my soul was I still believed that someone out there will be deserving of my love. I knew I will fall in love again. I knew I had the potential of loving someone unconditionally just like that person would reciprocate my love. There may be fears of getting hurt still existing within me, but I know for certain that I must try to let someone in once more. I know for certain that my fear should not affect my happiness. I needed to allow myself to find someone with the potential of becoming my “forever”. I needed to let someone in.

I had my own share of fears of falling in love again, but those fears were not enough to deny someone in…

Today, I am more than happy to announce that on June 25th, 2017 I finally allowed a new person into my heart. Dear Readers, there is an amazing man behind my soul’s warmth and joy. He’s exceptional and he has earned a special place in my heart. He’s the reason why my heart is as warm as it could ever be this summer. I can’t wait to share more of our growing relationship with you all!!!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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