June 7, 2017
If we can all be honest to our partners, I wonder how many relationships out there could had been saved. If we all sided with the truth, I wonder how many couple’s fights could had been avoided. If we all never lied to each other as a partner, a friend, a human being, I wonder how much better the world would be today. But sometimes, even the ones whom you think will never lie, will do it too. At some point, no matter how much you have sworn you will never lie to someone who is special to you, at some point even you will cross that line. We are humans, and we are so easily tempted to make the wrong choices to benefit our own. We all have selfish sides, and my own selfishness caused me to lose a relationship. Here’s to another failed relationship on my behalf.
I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I destroyed us. This post is for you, my long distance friend whom could had been so much more. I failed you and I failed our potential at becoming more… and with that I am awfully sorry.
I had been fairly open about my “love life” here on this blog. Many of you already know about the special someone I had been talking closely to for the past 5 months. Importantly, many of you by now knows about the undeniably far distance that separates us. Given how we had never met and the distance dividing us, our relationship’s failure was inevitable. Many, including myself, truly hoped that him and I would work out and prove the universe and its doubters wrong. However, we became just another statistic of failed long distance relationships. We became nothing, yet at some point we both were hoping to become something greater.
Let me tell you why we failed… because in this situation, the distance was not the only reason why.
Since the beginning, I had always been hesitant about getting into a long distance relationship. For those of you who may not know me on a personal level, one key thing about my personality is that I am a planner. I like to plan things in advance, especially details about my life and how I want it to look like in the future. With this in mind, I tried envisioning my life with him in the picture. Most scenarios I made in my head would had been possible, but I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy route. I pictured all the great parts of what could had been us… parts such as our first meeting, him visiting me in Calgary, me flying to California to visit him, introducing each other to our families and friends, etc. But reality eventually hit me, this relationship is manageable and totally attainable, however it is going to be an expensive one. For us to be physically together, there will be a great deal of flying and travelling involved. In addition, at some point in the far future, this constant “travelling” will have to result to a permanent solution. Therefore, one of us would have to sacrifice and move for the other. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy journey right from the beginning, yet I continued talking to him for many more months after the first.
My fear of being committed into a long distance relationship lead to me behaving more distantly from him. The past few weeks, I had been investing less and less of my time in him. I used my social life and busy schedule to cope with the problem I already had in mind. We also had been arguing tremendously for the past month and I was not willing to have more arguments. Our arguments were immature ones too. For the most part, our arguments sparked from our poor communication and depreciating effort and time for each other. Due to my arrogant and selfish side, I did what I do best… I kept my distance and selfishly prioritize my own happiness in exchange for his.
I believe my main mistake with dealing against the distance was my quietness about the topic and lack of communication. I never told him about how scared I was to be committed in a long distance relationship. I never told him about my concerns and doubts. I kept it all to myself and only shared it with my friends. Maybe, if I had been more vocal about it, maybe him and I could had figured out a plan on overcoming the distance. But instead, I chose to remain silent.
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL OF IT
3 weeks ago I unexpectedly met someone who is now becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life. Let’s call him, “Jay” and I also need to add a quick disclaimer: before this Jay (NOT MY EX JAY) entered the picture, “American Bae” and I had already been going through a rough time.
When we were starting the baby phases of our long distance relationship, we agreed on us not being exclusive to each other. We were very close, but we were never official or committed to a “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship. Therefore, we allowed each other to talk to other people with the respect of telling the other what was going on. This is where I messed up. I kept Jay as a secret from him. We had an agreement that solely relied upon honesty and trust, an agreement that I clearly broke by choosing not to disclose the growing relationship between Jay and I. Worst of all, I even lied to him multiple times about my whereabouts just to hide my romantic activities with Jay. On our last call made on June 1, 2017, I finally confessed and told him the truth about Jay and why I had been acting differently within the past weeks prior to our “talk”.
Now, there are also a few key points that I should mention. Before some of you may start thinking, “well Dez, since you weren’t an exclusive couple, I think what you did was fine…” It would had been fine, if I never lied. On top of the lies, his commitment was only on me. He only talked to me and ONLY ME for the past 5 months and never had any interests in other girls… and trust me, with his good looks and charm, he can easily get any girl he wants… BUT NO… his time and attention was only devoted for me. Yet, I failed to devote myself for him. I was too selfish to consider his sacrifices and commitments. I was too selfish and weak, that I even resulted to lying for my own benefit. Worst part is, my lies not only ruined our relationship, it also ruined his ability to trust again… just like how my EX ruined my ability to trust again too. Ohhh man, the irony of it all. I stooped so low and became as worst as my EX was. I became the liar who selfishly ended a relationship with so much potential of becoming great. A lie will always be a lie and a lie made once can destroy one’s ability to trust again. This is why I can never forgive myself for my behaviour.
That’s not the worst of it, this August he was planning to surprise me on my birthday by coming up to Canada to meet me. He has been planning this surprise trip with the help of my friend. This information made me realize how he had his life all planned out too… On our last FaceTime call he told me that in August is when he was planning to ask me to be his “official girlfriend”. He wanted to make “us” official and he wanted to achieve this in person instead of proposing through FaceTime. Just like me, he was planning his future too, but his future plans included me in it. He even went as far as telling me that he was planning on finishing his current work commitments and was planning on eventually moving to Canada to finish his post-secondary education.
Hearing all of his plans saddened me, because I never knew about it and I wanted it ALL TO HAPPEN TOO. It took me by surprise how he wanted me to be a part of his life, yet I wasn’t willing to include him in mine. After hearing about his plans, I started envisioning how we could work… but my visions came a little too late. He was angered by my actions and his trust in me will never be the same. A part of me still hopes for his plans to come true, but given what I did, it will all remain as a plan that will never lead towards fruition.
Despite my poor choice of actions and unforgivable behaviour, I learned many things from American Bae. Without his presence in my life, I would had never understood the importance communication in a relationship. In addition, his presence in my life taught me the true importance of honesty, truth, and integrity within all relationships. From this experience, I’ve grown to realize that even I will lie too… even I am willing to make the same mistakes that my EX made in order to protect myself from getting hurt and to secure my own happiness. This experience made me realize just how much I hated lying to my partner, and I will make sure, that from here on end, all my relationships will be built on a strong foundation of honesty. Hopefully, the older me will be a woman who will stand firm in honesty, truth, and loyalty. I know I made a terrible mistake, and because of this I swear I will never repeat the same mistake again.
A relationship grows from a couple’s ability to communicate, while honesty is what secures a relationship’s longevity.
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.