November 1, 2017
There will come a point in your life wherein you will find yourself questioning your current relationship because of the memories your past created. My Halloween ended in a way that had me doubting and questioning my current relationship with Jason. What was supposed to be a magical night dressed as a pair of unicorns, turned into another night of Jason crying, and me trying to figure out what the hell is fucking wrong with me – Seriously, I think I’m still emotionally and mentally damaged from all the lies I forced myself to believe and all the truth I had to uncover.
A year ago, someone decided to stop fighting for me. Now, I have a man who’s willing to go above and beyond to fight for me, to keep me, to love me, to be there for me, and to be someone I need. Yet, I keep pushing Jason away solely because I have personal trust issues, doubts and insecurities. Our relationship is too good to be true, and that scares me!!! I didn’t know a healthy, loving, and happy relationship truly exists… which is why I keep questioning the reality of us… I never had anything like this amazing before!
I still have so much untold stories that I had been keeping away from Jason. Tonight, I realized just how important it is for your current lover to understand your past, in order for you both to move forward.
But how did all of this start?
Well for starters, this would had been our first Halloween together. Jason and I planned a nice, mellow Halloween night of giving out candies to the kids trick or treating at my house. We also planned to wear matching last minute costumes as unicorns, which I spent a few hours making. We had the night planned out. I was excited. But, Jason decided to tilt my energy and ruin my excitement with one text message.
“Can I come over later after 8:00 pm – I’m going to workout”
Seriously – Of all the nights to change the plans, why this one? There are 5 days within the year in which I hate being alone, or any sudden cancellations, or any major change of plans:
1.) Valentine’s Day
2.) My birthday
5.) New Year’s Eve
Any other day truly does not matter to me – go ahead, cancel our plans, I’ll be fine with it… just don’t do it within the days listed above!
Another facet of my personality, is that I absolutely hate sudden changes. There is nothing more that triggers my annoyance, and frustration than an ongoing plan getting cancelled or changed so last minute, backed up by some dumb reason or excuse. In particular, I did not want to spend this Halloween alone considering how my last Halloween experience was pretty depressing… you guys already know what went down last year… for my new readers, read this Broken: October 30, 2016.
Given that, I took Jason’s simple text a little too much out of context – leading to me ignoring his text messages for the duration of the day and most of the night.
Then, out of my pure boredom and annoyance of how “amazing everyone’s Halloween is”, and with my jealousy of all the cute “couple costumes” circulating social media, I decided to revisit my old blogposts. (I swear, my blogpost is both a blessing and curse – it’s like a vivid description of what I was feeling at the time it was written)
In this light, upon laying aimlessly and annoyed on my bed, I decided to send my ex a text.
Yeah – I messed up.
Our conversation was mature. No tea, no shade, but my ex is holding up well… good on him! For those about to blow up with curiosity, asking “what did you guys talk about?!!?”, let me give you a quick insight of what our 30 minute phone conversation consisted:
-What he did with our old photos
-Updates with his current life
-His work and my school
You see, with maturity and in time, even the most damaged individuals can have a mature conversation with the person who damaged them. No feelings were attached in sending these text messages, which eventually led to 30-minutes long phone conversation. I truly did not feel any desire of wanting him back, nor did I want to go back to what we used to be. We seem to be in better places now… and I’m happy for the both of us for finding our own space to grow. Importantly, the conversation made me realize just how much of a better place I am in today.
It was just nice to quickly catch up, seal some open wounds, give forgiveness, clarify some facts, and say those final goodbyes – that’s exactly how my conversation with my ex went down.
NOW – After the phone call with my ex, I finally replied to Jason’s texts and missed calls. By the end of the drama, Jason drove over and we talked. Before he left, I told him everything that went down, how upset I got after his tilting text message, how much I was looking forward to the night we originally planned, how my frustrations led to me talking to my ex, and how I am so sorry for ignoring him and not opening up to him as much as I should had.
yeah… it’s a lot… isn’t it?
By the end of the day, Jason is my man. Jason is the person I’m in love with, and the person I want. This is just one over-hyped Halloween night that turned bad… I know for certain we will have plenty, plenty more Halloweens together. So, for future purposes, to avoid petty and unnecessary fights, opening up to your partner about how you truly feel is always the best way to go. For example, instead of ignoring Jason’s texts the whole day, I should had told him that he should just skip his workout and stick to our plans… I should had told him how much this night meant to me… and how excited I was to dress up and take photos with him! But instead of doing that, I took the petty way out… I closed myself out and left him to “figure out” what I truly wanted. (I feel like all girls do this anyways, so I’m not even fully guilty)
In addition, I learned that revisiting the past should not be a scary experience, rather it should be a healthy and positive reminder of your current life. Your past should remind you of how much you had grown, remind you of areas you still need to grow, and your past must remind you of what you should be truly thankful for. Perhaps, revisiting the past in other ways than direct contact with your ex would be better… but hey, your girl is pretty impulsive… soooo we’ll just try to let that go for now – let’s focus on the lessons I learned (insert smirking emoji*)
In summary, Jason and I are still together, in love, a little sleep deprived, but we’re happy – I’m looking forward to a better Halloween in 2018!
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.