Relationship Guide #1: Holy Trinity

Dear Readers,

The other day, I was interviewed by a student in communications and broadcasting at the Southern Alberta Institute of Technology (SAIT), who was doing a project about local Calgary influencers. Among her questions was, “what got you into blogging in the first place?

And, just like that I’m here writing this post.

My blog, is a personal story of my life. An open book that tells stories of heartaches and love. Those who had been reading along with my stories since the very beginning will know that this blog was originally a “relationship and love” blog. Why I stopped writing about relationships and love… I really don’t know.

After, my traumatic experience of being cheated on, lied to, used, and completely being treated like trash… I built myself bigger, better, and brighter. I told myself, “one day, all  you will ever write about are the pretty things in life, all the positives, all the happy things, and all the good that is there in life.”

That’s when I lost a genuine piece of me, because by letting myself write my pain and sorrow showed a side of our being that we all have –  it showed both vulnerability and strength. The moment I stopped talking about my relationships and views about love, was the moment I lost my spark as a writer. There’s nothing more empowering and true than a woman who is speaking genuinely from her core. And tonight, I’m going to do exactly that.

On that thought, I kept thinking – maybe I should invest a portion of my blog to be one section devoted to act as a “Relationship Guide”. So here we are, as I welcome you to the first post in my “Relationship Guide” series, which I hope will become a monthly occurrence. (YAY – IM BACK BITCHESSSS!)

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My aim with these series:

  • allow myself to write expressively and freely again
  • be your serving guide towards a better and healthier relationship
  • release MONTHLY content

On that note, LET’S START !

In a perfect world, love is in abundance. In a perfect world, heartaches and being broken doesn’t exist. Yet we all know, the perfect world doesn’t exist until we reach heaven. But on earth, we try to make the best version of  our heaven that we can get.

Jason and I had been doing great. In fact, we barely fight. When we do, we often solve our issues as best we could and as fast as we can. Leaving things unresolved to linger longer is not really our forte.  Thus, being happy and at peace in a healthy relationship is not really the best case scenario for a relationship blogger who have readers more interested in heartbreak stories. Then I realized, maybe I should talk about what makes my relationship with Jason so great – and like a giant flickering light bulb, it dinged and hit me: I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE 3 CORE THINGS A RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FOR IT TO LAST!!!! 

Throughout the years I had come to understand that a relationship needs 3 core things in order for it to last. I call these 3 core things, as the “Holy Trinity” – which consists of:

1.) Humility

2.) Patience

3.) Trust

HUMILITY

We all have egos bigger than the sun, and pride too strong to be ignored. Sometimes, our ego and pride can get the best of us… Sometimes, we act more towards what our ego dictates and what our pride can’t contain. In a relationship, acting out based on ego and pride is an ultimate path towards failure. But, I get it… sometimes it’s hard to apologize, or accept your fault, or to let an argument go, or to ignore the little things… Like I genuinely get it…

BUT…

There must come a point wherein both partners need to humble themselves down.

After an argument, remember that it’s always easier to “say sorry”,  than to yell your lungs out and create a bigger issue out of nothing.

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When you fuck something up, it’s easier to admit to it, than to keep denying your own faults. You’re human  and you’re not always going to be right – so just dial it back, and own up to your mistakes!!!! Remember – everyone in life must own up to their faults, because there is nothing worse than a person who lacks accountability. This advice is not just for personal relationships, it applies to everything!!!

When an argument stirs up, and you find yourself in complete conflict with your partner, don’t just sleep it out and “let it go”… voice yourself out… and make sure that at some point you two find a way to meet in the middle and understand each other’s views without putting your own views at stake.

Lastly, never ignore the little things… the little things like, “miscommunication”, “forgotten plans”, “lack of effort”, “strange behavior” , “unspoken actions”, “misguided thoughts”, and soooo much more issues that people typically consider as the “little things”,
should NEVER be ignored. Don’t let your ego tell you, “you don’t have time for this”, “don’t listen to this nonsense”, “he’s wrong, I’m right”, or “I have better things to do”.

Personally, I want people to reciprocate the amount of effort I give in a relationship, to communicate with me, and to understand that, even though my life is busy as it is, I always have time to listen and to talk… I may not always be the first one initiating the conversation, but when you need me, I’m there. So when I need to talk, even if it’s a “little thing”, you better be there to listen to me, as I would for you.

Put your ego aside, and for the right person, learn how to give as much as you take, listen as much as you talk, and accept that your flaws are just as equal as your partner’s flaws. Find joy in being humble, because the right person for you will be able to see the real you, through and through.

“You are not greater than your partner. sometimes, saying nothing at all is better than making any noise. Silence speaks more volumes than words ever will at times of anger”

PATIENCE

Just like many things, relationships will require huge amounts of invested time and tremendous amounts of patience. As life continues on, and the days feel shorter and shorter, I understand how people start to lose their patience with the people they love. Trust me, I’m very impatient myself.

But Jason has taught me, that not everything happens in one day.

The prettiest butterflies in the world, started as caterpillars – and just like butterflies, a relationship needs time to grow too.

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Do you want to know what’s a great test for patience???

Remember waiting for you partner to arrive as he is late for your dinner reservation… or waiting for him to come home so you can start your favorite Netflix shows… or waiting for him to text you back… or waiting for him decide on whether or not pasta for dinner is better than pizza. Remember, how patient you were in these situations because you knew how important these little things are to your relationship???

No matter what happened, even if your partner was running late, you still waited… and you never gave in and watched that Netflix show alone… (I mean you could had – but keep it hush hush 😂). That’s patience.

All of these…. are tests of patience… at the simplest kind. But to build onto this, consider how it feels when a promise is broken, or a simple favor was not completed… like you asking your partner to clean the washroom before you get home, but that task was still untouched by the time you got home, or even asking your partner to pick up some pads from the grocery store on his way home, but he somehow forgot… when promises are broken and effort is lacking, it can be pretty frustrating at certain times.

But you must remember: “BE PATIENT”.

Before you boil up and lose your shit – ask yourself: is this really worth fighting over with??? Maybe he had a bad day too??? Maybe he’s just as tired as you??? Maybe he did try to buy those pads, but the store ran out of pads???

Always ask, before acting out. (A lesson I need to apply for myself too)

“If your anger can be fixed in 30 minutes, why let it stay for long?”

Sometimes, it’s smarter to evaluate whether or not, a little forgotten task, or a little misunderstanding is worth a giant fight. Is it worth 30 minutes of anger??? Or can I use the 30 minutes of being angry to talk and figure out what went wrong???

Instead of fighting and arguing about it, use that time to figure it out… This is where patience really, really, really kicks in.

It takes a lot of patience to control your anger and act maturely… and sometimes, the best way to execute it, is to evaluate whether or not the fight is worth it to begin with. For the most part, everyday petty fights are not worth calling your friends over for wine night to vent out your frustrations, or yelling hysterically at your partner, or even calling the relationship “OVER” (don’t be that dramatic – note to self 😂😂😂).  Just learn to be patient and your relationship will reward you 100 times more. original.gif

TRUST

Above all things, learn how to trust.

For a lot of  people, trusting someone is super-super-super hard. Take me for example, I had been so hurt by some cheating asshole before, that trusting people to not hurt me again is literally super hard. The word “trust” just means so much to me, and I protect that word so much, that when I give it to you, you better protect that shit with your life.

Before Jason, learning how to trust other people was like learning how to fly – it was almost impossible and unattainable. Yet here we are – Jason Yang managed to bring out my wings, and now I’m soaring so high, I’m never going to fall again.

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For the most part, I still find it hard to trust Jason – especially when other females are involved.

But then again, I have to keep reminding myself that TRUST is the most important part of an effective and lasting relationship.

At times wherein you feel like your trust is missing or if you don’t want to give your trust away, JUST REMEMBER THIS:

“If he fucks up on you, that’s his loss sis. A true beauty like yourself, should never have time to entertain anything less than real”

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Even though it can be super difficult to trust someone, just believe me when I say, “give your trust to them now, and if they lose it, just cut them out forever”. This is the life motto that will get you places, believe me.

At the end of the day, any solid relationship will need a strong basis of trust. For a couple to last long, both partners need to try to protect and solidify their trust towards the relationship as a whole – not just on an individual level, but more towards trusting that the relationship you two have, have the capacity to sustain all trivial times and overcome any storms because the trust you two have on each other is built from pure gold.

HUMILITY, PATIENCE & TRUST: are all a relationship needs to succeed. These are the Holy Trinity of any relationship. Master these, and I’m sure that relationship will conquer and last for many, many, many years to come.

How to respond to

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

How to Overcome the Breakup Pain

Dear Readers,

We’ve all been there. Breakup. Heartbreak.

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You see, it may as well be breakup season since most of the people surrounding me seem to be going through a breakup or some sort of relationship downturn. It’s not the greatest feeling, and this is coming from a woman who had suffered heartbreak before. Viewing relationships now as a person in a healthy and strong relationship with Jason, really puts a lot of things into perspective. There are so much pain that a breakup brings, yet the lessons you learn throughout the breakup process is really something that will strengthen your character, and help define who you are.

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Before I dive too much in, please do not assume that Jason and I are going through a rough patch. You see, this blog was originally a relationship blog, and I just wanted to touch base with my roots. This post is for the other girls out there who currently have broken hearts.

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Let me tell you how you can overcome the breakup pain. Coming from a “professional relationship guru” – duhhhhhh.

I’m going to be honest with you – the first month after a breakup will be hell. You will spend the first few nights crying and the next few days feeling empty. But it is important to feel all of it. Cry your eyes out. Lay in bed and feel that pain. You must submerge yourself in the pain. Take note of how your heart beats for the love it cannot receive… take note of how your mind still stirs clear with the memories… take note of how your body is still functioning despite the pain you’re feeling inside… take note of how you’re still breathing… take note of your heartbeat, silently reminding you that you’re still alive… even after this breakup, you must understand that you still have a life to live.

There are 5 key steps you must go through after a breakup.

1.)  Cry it out

  • If you must cry it all out. There will come a point wherein the tears will eventually stop. For now, let yourself cry… don’t hold it back. Letting it out earlier is the fastest way of moving on. You definitely do not want to be that person 6 months or a year from now, who is still crying over a breakup…. nope, not you. In that case, the sooner you let your tears out, the faster you’ll arrive to a healed heart.

2.) Find an outlet

  • By any means, you must find ways to pull yourself together – you need an outlet. Think of an outlet as an “escape”. In your case, you need to escape the breakup pain. The sole purpose of an outlet is to help you escape the pain, even for a few hours. Outlets are distractions. For the most part, we all have plenty of outlets. School and/or work is one of our biggest outlets. We have our jobs, and some of you will have classes to attend. By dragging yourself to your office or by waking up early for that lecture, actually helps elevate your mind away from the pain. The idea is to have your attention diverted to other important things, not just your heartbreak. The more ways you can think of to distract yourself from the ugly reality of your breakup, the better.
  • Outlets can be people too. Your friends and family are the best outlets to reach out to during a breakup. They’re the ones who will know exactly what to say and what to do to distract you from the pain… they will know exactly what to do to make you feel at ease… and they will know exactly what to say to make you feel a little better.

3.) Don’t go back

  • We’ve all been there. The consideration of second chances and going back to your ex will be very, very appealing… you will probably consider calling him or texting him about 100 times during the few nights after the breakup. It’s a common response. We all want what we can’t have, even though we know it’s not good for us. Think about all the chocolates you’ve eaten a little too much of… You knew it’s not good for you, yet you still ate that extra box of Toblerone… Eating that extra box of chocolates and wanting to go back to your ex after a breakup are the same thing. It’s not good for you, yet I know, you’re going to do it anyways.
  • TRUST ME – you’re better off without that person. There’s a reason why the relationship failed and/or failing. Unless that problem had been sorted out, there’s no chance of “going back together” will work out. You can’t expect a bucket to get full with water if there’s a hole at the bottom… so what do you? You fix that motherfucking bucket, or replace it.

4.) Love yourself

  • I sound like a broken record, because this two word phrase, sentence, quote, whatever you want to call it, is my motto. “Love yourself” – the most important lesson that all of us must learn.
  • A healthy relationship always stems from the foundation of self-love a person has for herself/himself. How do you expect to love others, when you can’t even love yourself??? I know love is supposed to be selfish… but it’s not supposed to be selfless.
  • As painful as this sounds, the people who often fall out of love are those who lost sight of who they are. Once a person starts to lose themselves within the relationship, is when shit starts to fall apart. Literally. So, before you start jumping into a new relationship again, make sure that you have mastered the ability and skills required to prioritize yourself first. You owe it to yourself to have enough self-love, that your next partner can enjoy your love, and you can too. There’s nothing sexier than a lady who have her shit together.

5.) Grow

  • Just like the flowers, I hope you blossom during the spring after a cold winter. I know that you’ve probably been spending the past few days crying and feeling like shit… and that’s totally okay... I just want to assure you that one day, you’ll wake up a different person. After all this drama, you’ll be so much stronger, more beautiful, more independent, more of yourself than you’ll ever be. You’re going to grow.
  • Growth is an aspect of our lives we must always pursue. We all have room for growth, may it be in our relationships, careers, personal life, or even creatively. Growth is growth, and you must always strive towards it.

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Who we are as an individual is not defined by the failed relationships we had. Who we are, is defined by how well we rise above the challenges in our life. Who we are, is defined by the obstacles we conquered and our drive to continue pursuing a happy life. Most importantly, who we are is defined by the capacity of our hearts to give and receive love.

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*Photo was taken on June 25, 2017 – the day Jason Yang asked me to be his girlfriend*

The right love will come, and when it does, all the pain you endured will feel worthwhile. 

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

Our First Multicultural Christmas Together

January 8, 2017

Dear Readers,

A week has passed in the New Year and I’m already up to so many goals! And my 2017 ended in the most remarkable way!!! But before I start discussing what I want 2018 to look like, I’d like to recap how 2017 ended.

For those of you who doesn’t know, Jason and I shared our first Christmas and New Year’s Eve together!!! I learned quite a few things from this experience. Since Jason is Chinese, and I’m Filipino, the way our families celebrated the holidays were so different. I want to share with you all what a Chinese Christmas is like from a non-Chinese perspective!

For starters, the food are completely unique in the Yang’s Christmas Day dinner versus my family’s Christmas Eve dinner. At the Yang’s, we had a variety of tofu dishes, salmon, ginger beef, Chinese sausage, sautéed mushroom and veggies, rice, shredded potato, and we drank lots of red wine. The dishes Jason’s parents cooked were amazing and it was a feast I wasn’t accustomed to, but thoroughly enjoyed. I feel guilty for eating most of the salmon, but me eating a lot is perhaps the biggest compliment I can offer to the cook.

At my family’s Christmas Eve dinner, my mom prepared a few Filipino dishes such as kare-kare and Filipino spaghetti (sweet sauce style), and other non-Filipino dishes such as mashed potatoes and roast beef for my white side of the family. Jason’s favorite was the kare-kare… He also loved the roast beef!

Another fascinating part of our Christmas is the random “theme” my mom selects and implement during my family’s Christmas Eve dinner. This year, my mom’s theme was “Christmas ugly sweaters”. As seen on the featured image, even Jason wore the ugly sweater because my family considers him as family now!!! His ugly sweater was the cutest thing – you can play “beer pong” with it and the sweater came with velcro balls!

Jason was quite unfamiliar with this “theme” tradition since his family doesn’t have a Christmas “theme” tradition like ours…. I mean, my family is probably the only one who celebrates Christmas with random Christmas themes (last year’s theme was “purple”). At the Yang’s, their Christmas dinner was more casual and relaxed. Either way, it was a fun experience and totally memorable for both of us.

I think that throughout the holidays I realized something very, very important for my future with Jason. His family mostly speaks Mandarin, and Jason’s dad doesn’t speak English very well. For the most part, Jason also speaks in Mandarin when he’s at home. Throughout the holidays and even during the random nights that I would come over for dinner at Jason’s, the conversation is usually carried out in Mandarin. As a non-Mandarin speaker, during my dinners at the Yang’s, I’m left to sitting awkwardly, staring at the food, and listening to a conversation I cannot even come close to understanding…. the worst part is, I want to be a part of their conversation too, but I just can’t!!!

Since it is 2018, I think one of my main goals this year is to learn how to speak Mandarin. I know that one year is not a lot of time to turn myself into a fluent Mandarin speaker, but in a way, I want to learn how to say even the small words and common phrases. Along with my other goals in 2018 (graduating, getting employed, saving money, growing my Instagram, blogging constantly), learning how to speak Mandarin is definitely one of the most important. Having Jason and Jonas (Jason’s younger brother), helping and teaching me will make the learning process run a lot smoother and easier.

Learning Mandarin is an adjustment I must make in order to show Jason’s parents that I am willing to participate in their culture and tradition. As an outsider coming into their household, I cannot force them to adapt to me… therefore, I must find my way to blend into their family. Just like my Tita Connie said, “if Mark Zuckerberg learned how to speak Mandarin, so can you”. My Tita Connie is absolutely right!!! If Mark Zuckerberg can do it, so can I!

The biggest takeaway from this is that, dating someone who is from a different culture, background and ethnicity as you shouldn’t be a scary or intimidating thing! In fact it should be an enlightening, mesmerizing and fascinating experience. As a couple, you will discover lots from your partner’s family ways of celebrating their culture and traditions, which will help cultivate your own growth and understanding of the world. Through learning each other’s background, will help you understand why your partner is the way he/she is today. In a span of 2 days (December 24th and 25th), I think Jason learned more about me through my family’s ways of celebrating Christmas, as I did with him… and that is a foundation for a solid and lasting relationship.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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