Worst Halloween Ever – Talked To My Ex

November 1, 2017

Dear Readers,

There will come a point in your life wherein you will find yourself questioning your current relationship because of the memories your past created. My Halloween ended in a way that had me doubting and questioning my current relationship with Jason. What was supposed to be a magical night dressed as a pair of unicorns, turned into another night of Jason crying, and me trying to figure out what the hell is fucking wrong with me –  Seriously, I think I’m still emotionally and mentally damaged from all the lies I forced myself to believe and all the truth I had to uncover.

A year ago, someone decided to stop fighting for me. Now, I have a man who’s willing to go above and beyond to fight for me, to keep me, to love me, to be there for me, and to be someone I need. Yet, I keep pushing Jason away solely because I have personal trust issues, doubts and insecurities. Our relationship is too good to be true, and that scares me!!! I didn’t know a healthy, loving, and happy relationship truly exists… which is why I keep questioning the reality of us… I never had anything like this amazing before!

I still have so much untold stories that I had been keeping away from Jason. Tonight, I realized just how important it is for your current lover to understand your past, in order for you both to move forward.

But how did all of this start?

Well for starters, this would had been our first Halloween together. Jason and I planned a nice, mellow Halloween night of giving out candies to the kids trick or treating at my house. We also planned to wear matching last minute costumes as unicorns, which I spent a few hours making. We had the night planned out. I was excited. But, Jason decided to tilt my energy and ruin my excitement with one text message.

“Can I come over later after 8:00 pm – I’m going to workout”

W.T.F

Seriously – Of all the nights to change the plans, why this one? There are 5 days within the year in which I hate being alone, or any sudden cancellations, or any major change of plans:

1.) Valentine’s Day

2.) My birthday

3.) Halloween

4.) Christmas

5.) New Year’s Eve

Any other day truly does not matter to me – go ahead, cancel our plans, I’ll be fine with it… just don’t do it within the days listed above!

Another facet of my personality, is that I absolutely hate sudden changes. There is nothing more that triggers my annoyance, and frustration than an ongoing plan getting cancelled or changed so last minute, backed up by some dumb reason or excuse. In particular, I did not want to spend this Halloween alone considering how my last Halloween experience was pretty depressing… you guys already know what went down last year… for my new readers, read this Broken: October 30, 2016.

Given that, I took Jason’s simple text a little too much out of context – leading to me ignoring his text messages for the duration of the day and most of the night.

Then, out of my pure boredom and annoyance of how “amazing everyone’s Halloween is”, and with my jealousy of all the cute “couple costumes” circulating social media, I decided to revisit my old blogposts. (I swear, my blogpost is both a blessing and curse – it’s like a vivid description of what I was feeling at the time it was written)

In this light, upon laying aimlessly and annoyed on my bed, I decided to send my ex a text.

Yeah – I messed up.

Our conversation was mature. No tea, no shade, but my ex is holding up well… good on him! For those about to blow up with curiosity, asking “what did you guys talk about?!!?”, let me give you a quick insight of what our 30 minute phone conversation consisted:

-What he did with our old photos

-Updates with his current life

-His work and my school

-Photography

-Jason

You see, with maturity and in time, even the most damaged individuals can have a mature conversation with the person who damaged them. No feelings were attached in sending these text messages, which eventually led to 30-minutes long phone conversation. I truly did not feel any desire of wanting him back, nor did I want to go back to what we used to be. We seem to be in better places now… and I’m happy for the both of us for finding our own space to grow. Importantly, the conversation made me realize just how much of a better place I am in today.

It was just nice to quickly catch up, seal some open wounds, give forgiveness, clarify some facts, and say those final goodbyes – that’s exactly how my conversation with my ex went down.

NOW – After the phone call with my ex, I finally replied to Jason’s texts and missed calls. By the end of the drama, Jason drove over and we talked. Before he left, I told him everything that went down, how upset I got after his tilting text message, how much I was looking forward to the night we originally planned, how my frustrations led to me talking to my ex, and how I am so sorry for ignoring him and not opening up to him as much as I should had.

yeah… it’s a lot… isn’t it?

By the end of the day, Jason is my man. Jason is the person I’m in love with, and the person I want. This is just one over-hyped Halloween night that turned bad… I know for certain we will have plenty, plenty more Halloweens together. So, for future purposes, to avoid petty and unnecessary fights, opening up to your partner about how you truly feel is always the best way to go. For example, instead of ignoring Jason’s texts the whole day, I should had told him that he should just skip his workout and stick to our plans… I should had told him how much this night meant to me… and how excited I was to dress up and take photos with him! But instead of doing that, I took the petty way out… I closed myself out and left him to “figure out” what I truly wanted. (I feel like all girls do this anyways, so I’m not even fully guilty)

In addition, I learned that revisiting the past should not be a scary experience, rather it should be a healthy and positive reminder of your current life. Your past should remind you of how much you had grown, remind you of areas you still need to grow, and your past must remind you of what you should be truly thankful for. Perhaps, revisiting the past in other ways than direct contact with your ex would be better… but hey, your girl is pretty impulsive… soooo we’ll just try to let that go for now – let’s focus on the lessons I learned (insert smirking emoji*) 

In summary, Jason and I are still together, in love, a little sleep deprived, but we’re happy – I’m looking forward to a better Halloween in 2018!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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The Lessons Time Can Teach

October 1, 2017

Dear Readers,

This time around last year I was in a toxic relationship that blinded me from seeing my own truth. This time last year, I had different goals, and my priorities were not the same. It took a heartbreak to make me realize how I was straying farther and farther away from the person I truly wanted to be.

I had to redefine myself, and correct the past mistakes I made.

The past few weeks I had been trying to figure out myself. In the broadest way, I went searching for how I want “Mary Dezleigh Teodosio” to be like around this time again next year. A year ago I thought I would be someone else, and now I’m reevaluating it all. Now, I find myself picking up the slack on all the lectures I missed, waking up earlier for all the days I slept too much in, eating healthier for all the crappy food I had been feeding my body, socializing more in return for all the missed memories I could had made, working harder, being better, and loving a hundred times stronger.

The future is truly unpredictable. Tomorrow holds thousands of uncertainties. The next hour is another chapter to unravel. The next minute still has more. The next second is still a breath away. So, how am I suppose to prepare myself right now for who I will be tomorrow… next week… next month… next year? Who will I be then?

This is how I learned to believe and have faith that the greater good will come to those who wait. Patience learned from the cruelty of time, is a lesson worth learning. Time is neither a foe or an ally. Time is simply a measure of when the seasons change, the days passing, and the amount of growth we make. In so, I learned that time can be whatever you make it to be. Since time itself is not the sole indicator of one’s growth, time can be construed to fit in any possible way you want it to be. If you want to take your time in doing things a certain way, then so be it. If rushing and living life on the fast lane is more your style, then go for it! You have the ability to control your own time and how you want it to be spent – your life is yours to live.

But there is one lesson that our time will teach us in return.

Time taught me how to be patient. Regardless of how slow or fast I took things, I learned that if it’s not meant to be for me, it won’t happen. I learned that no matter how much I planned and dreamed, if it wasn’t destined for me, it won’t happen. For each failure in relationships, academics, life, and love I’ve ever had, I learned that there is a purpose behind it all. My patience taught me how to be strong and how to have faith in the uncertainties of life. I learned that I don’t always know the answer on “how to live a good life” and sometimes, what I want is simply not meant for me.

I learned that time can create better beings in lost souls. I learned that people can change in due time. I learned that we all have a purpose in this life, and eventually we will slowly unravel it day by day… but only to unravel so little of that purpose, and not to reveal its entirety. I learned that our quest to seek for our full life’s purpose, in chasing for time, and being patient throughout the process of its discovery is what creates a meaningful life.

Importantly, I learned to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that our time is the most valuable component of our lives.

At this point, I’m still trying to figure out who, what, and where I want to be in life. However, the process of figuring it all out is so much easier now since I had been falling in love with someone new. Love is so unpredictable, one minute you’re in love, then you’re out of love, and next thing you know you’re back to falling in love all over again.

Yes – I am talking about Mr. Jason Yang. His arrival in my life made me realize that I can fall in love again, and correct my past faults. I’ve been so lost in falling in love, yet I had not fallen out of myself either. Right now, I had found a partner I can build a future with… and our dream coincidentally match each other’s. I finally found a match to push me academically, professionally, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And to think that the last year me didn’t know about this person coming into my life today… is insanely absurd!!!

Meeting Jason is proof that good things will come to those who wait. Meeting Jason gave my past troubles a reason. Meeting Jason is giving me a purpose to be better. Who knew that losing an old flame can result into a bigger, brighter, and stronger flame… a flame big enough to outshine the sun in me, like a supernova just waiting to explode… not in a catastrophic end, but towards rebirth of a new star.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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“Slow Down” They Said…

July 19, 2017

Dear Readers,

Have you ever been so attracted to someone that his/her energy just pulls you in each day? Have you ever been so invested in someone that you find yourself wanting more? Have you ever been so fascinated by someone’s character that his/her aura just draws you in each day? Have you ever been so thrilled by someone that their presence alone gives you heebiejeebies? 

I have.

After many days of pondering about this post, and all the negative connotations that will come along with it, I’ve finally decided to just write it… so here it goes.

People in my life keeps warning me to “slow down” and to “take my time” with my new relationship. I appreciate the cautious reminder to be careful, however I know myself all too well by now. I fall fast and hard, and my heart is a fragile piece that enjoys the thrill of a new relationship. I’m the type of person who will give my all for the one who deserves my soul… I’m either all in or not at all. So for those people who keeps reminding me to “slow down”, “take it easy”, and to “protect yourself” – I appreciate the warning… but I think the words “taking it slow” are just not in my heart’s relationship vocabulary.

Surely, if Jason decides to break my heart again, I guarantee my whole blog will explode with more heartbreaking stories all over again. If Jason breaks my heart, at least another great blogpost will rise out of it. (Calm down guys, I’m being sarcastic)

All jokes aside, I entirely trust him. He’s truly someone who I can connect with in all aspects. Jason and I have the same vision and we both want the same things in life. I think that our shared desire to grow as individuals is what strengthens our connection in each other. For example, his desire to be an accountant is appealing to me, as it is the same goal I have for myself. His desire to travel the world draws me in, as it is a dream I share with him. His desire to have a family in the future pleases me, as it is also a purpose in life I strive towards. Essentially, we’re too alike to end up the wrong way. We want to grow as a unit instead of two separate entities… and that is why we fit so well together.

Our desire to grow together is what makes our relationship healthy. We’re not limiting each other’s dreams or limiting each other’s potential. Instead, we push each other for the best… to reach the capacity of each individual’s potential and to strive towards the same goals. For example, Jason supports my passion and dedication towards this blog as much as I support his passion to play basketball. He pushes me to do well in my current online class, as much as I encourage him to stay on track in school. He wants to become a CPA (Chartered Professional Accountant) as much as I do. He wants to discover the world as much as I do. He wants to have a family as much as I do. I can go on and on and on about all our shared attributes, desires, and goals that the list can stretch for miles.

SO WHY LIMIT THE POTENTIAL WE POSSESS? 

I’ll admit, the pace Jason and I are going through is quite fast. Most of my family and friends had already warned me about the excessive amount of time I’ve been giving into this new relationship… however, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Isn’t the point of being in a relationship is to commit to someone and to spend your time with them? I’ve already learned from my past not to invest too much of myself and believe me, I understand the importance of finding the balance to make yourself, your friends, your family and your partner happy. I haven’t lost myself yet… and you better believe I won’t lose track of the people I held dear before Jason came into the picture. This relationship is nothing like my past was and comparing my current relationship to that from my past is almost disrespectful. In my opinion, I believe that this pace suits US and that’s all that matters to me.

For those who are genuinely concerned (my mom and friends) about my heart moving too fast… don’t worry… I already know that my relationship is moving too fast. But believe me, Jason is the safest person to fall fast for. Even though we’ve only known each other for 2 months, it truly feels like him and I had known each other for much longer. He knows me a little more than my own family does. He knows me a little more than most of my oldest friends does. He just knows me too well, and I know him well enough to understand he’s not the type who “fucks around”… he’s too grown for that and I’m too grown to be wasting more of my time on irrelevant people. Most importantly, I will not lose myself in this relationship, in fact I can only see myself growing more.

So to answer all the concerns about my current relationship… YES, I am in love with Jason and NO – I think we’re not moving too fast at all. AND IF WE ARE MOVING FAST… I really don’t mind the ride. I’m in it 100% for the worst and best of it. If I fall again, I’ll take the failure as another lesson. If I hurt myself again, I know the pain will only make me stronger… and IF WE LAST, then it will prove to all that I made the right choice.

Don’t prove me wrong baby, the contents of my blog is partially under your control too… and you already know that my blog is the story of my life… so make it great!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

Stampede 2017 - "Fireworks and a Kiss"
Stampede 2017 – “Fireworks and a Kiss”