How to Overcome the Breakup Pain

Dear Readers,

We’ve all been there. Breakup. Heartbreak.

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You see, it may as well be breakup season since most of the people surrounding me seem to be going through a breakup or some sort of relationship downturn. It’s not the greatest feeling, and this is coming from a woman who had suffered heartbreak before. Viewing relationships now as a person in a healthy and strong relationship with Jason, really puts a lot of things into perspective. There are so much pain that a breakup brings, yet the lessons you learn throughout the breakup process is really something that will strengthen your character, and help define who you are.

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Before I dive too much in, please do not assume that Jason and I are going through a rough patch. You see, this blog was originally a relationship blog, and I just wanted to touch base with my roots. This post is for the other girls out there who currently have broken hearts.

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Let me tell you how you can overcome the breakup pain. Coming from a “professional relationship guru” – duhhhhhh.

I’m going to be honest with you – the first month after a breakup will be hell. You will spend the first few nights crying and the next few days feeling empty. But it is important to feel all of it. Cry your eyes out. Lay in bed and feel that pain. You must submerge yourself in the pain. Take note of how your heart beats for the love it cannot receive… take note of how your mind still stirs clear with the memories… take note of how your body is still functioning despite the pain you’re feeling inside… take note of how you’re still breathing… take note of your heartbeat, silently reminding you that you’re still alive… even after this breakup, you must understand that you still have a life to live.

There are 5 key steps you must go through after a breakup.

1.)  Cry it out

  • If you must cry it all out. There will come a point wherein the tears will eventually stop. For now, let yourself cry… don’t hold it back. Letting it out earlier is the fastest way of moving on. You definitely do not want to be that person 6 months or a year from now, who is still crying over a breakup…. nope, not you. In that case, the sooner you let your tears out, the faster you’ll arrive to a healed heart.

2.) Find an outlet

  • By any means, you must find ways to pull yourself together – you need an outlet. Think of an outlet as an “escape”. In your case, you need to escape the breakup pain. The sole purpose of an outlet is to help you escape the pain, even for a few hours. Outlets are distractions. For the most part, we all have plenty of outlets. School and/or work is one of our biggest outlets. We have our jobs, and some of you will have classes to attend. By dragging yourself to your office or by waking up early for that lecture, actually helps elevate your mind away from the pain. The idea is to have your attention diverted to other important things, not just your heartbreak. The more ways you can think of to distract yourself from the ugly reality of your breakup, the better.
  • Outlets can be people too. Your friends and family are the best outlets to reach out to during a breakup. They’re the ones who will know exactly what to say and what to do to distract you from the pain… they will know exactly what to do to make you feel at ease… and they will know exactly what to say to make you feel a little better.

3.) Don’t go back

  • We’ve all been there. The consideration of second chances and going back to your ex will be very, very appealing… you will probably consider calling him or texting him about 100 times during the few nights after the breakup. It’s a common response. We all want what we can’t have, even though we know it’s not good for us. Think about all the chocolates you’ve eaten a little too much of… You knew it’s not good for you, yet you still ate that extra box of Toblerone… Eating that extra box of chocolates and wanting to go back to your ex after a breakup are the same thing. It’s not good for you, yet I know, you’re going to do it anyways.
  • TRUST ME – you’re better off without that person. There’s a reason why the relationship failed and/or failing. Unless that problem had been sorted out, there’s no chance of “going back together” will work out. You can’t expect a bucket to get full with water if there’s a hole at the bottom… so what do you? You fix that motherfucking bucket, or replace it.

4.) Love yourself

  • I sound like a broken record, because this two word phrase, sentence, quote, whatever you want to call it, is my motto. “Love yourself” – the most important lesson that all of us must learn.
  • A healthy relationship always stems from the foundation of self-love a person has for herself/himself. How do you expect to love others, when you can’t even love yourself??? I know love is supposed to be selfish… but it’s not supposed to be selfless.
  • As painful as this sounds, the people who often fall out of love are those who lost sight of who they are. Once a person starts to lose themselves within the relationship, is when shit starts to fall apart. Literally. So, before you start jumping into a new relationship again, make sure that you have mastered the ability and skills required to prioritize yourself first. You owe it to yourself to have enough self-love, that your next partner can enjoy your love, and you can too. There’s nothing sexier than a lady who have her shit together.

5.) Grow

  • Just like the flowers, I hope you blossom during the spring after a cold winter. I know that you’ve probably been spending the past few days crying and feeling like shit… and that’s totally okay... I just want to assure you that one day, you’ll wake up a different person. After all this drama, you’ll be so much stronger, more beautiful, more independent, more of yourself than you’ll ever be. You’re going to grow.
  • Growth is an aspect of our lives we must always pursue. We all have room for growth, may it be in our relationships, careers, personal life, or even creatively. Growth is growth, and you must always strive towards it.

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Who we are as an individual is not defined by the failed relationships we had. Who we are, is defined by how well we rise above the challenges in our life. Who we are, is defined by the obstacles we conquered and our drive to continue pursuing a happy life. Most importantly, who we are is defined by the capacity of our hearts to give and receive love.

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*Photo was taken on June 25, 2017 – the day Jason Yang asked me to be his girlfriend*

The right love will come, and when it does, all the pain you endured will feel worthwhile. 

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio

To Stay or To Go? (A Cheater’s Confession)

August 2, 2017

Dear Readers,

Life is all a matter of choice. We are always given an option in times of uncertainty and unclarity. How we choose from the options presented to us, determines the likelihood of people staying or leaving in our life. One important lesson I learned in my 21 years of existence is that our behaviour controls who stays and who goes. Sometimes, without even knowing it, we tend to push away the people we love. At our worst days, we will find ourselves hurting the ones whom we oath to protect and cherish. We tend to act in ways we often don’t understand, yet the behaviour simply feels like the “right thing to do”. The glory of allowing the right people enter your life is a blessing, yet the struggle lies within the lines of your wanting to stay and yearning to go all at once.

This is a confession from a cheater’s point of view. This is the sad truth from a person in a committed relationship whom did the unthinkable and despicable act of cheating.

This is my tale.

My last relationship ended because of infidelity. I got cheated on and the pain destroyed me in all ways and forms. But I never really explored into my past in this blog. I had you all thinking that I had always been the “better person” – the girl who can only love and will never cheat. Well, my 16 year old self will be the contrary of that image you have of me. I cheated once and it taught me so much at such a young age. This is what I learned.

(The story of who, when, how I cheated is completely irrelevant at this point. I was too young and the person whom I cheated on is now a man of epic proportions… In so, I will give him his privacy out of respect)

You see, a person will cheat out of fear of losing someone dear, yet they still have an extreme desire of wanting more. In a relationship we are always given two options. These options determines the longevity or the end of a relationship. Once you’re committed into a relationship, you are always left with the questions of:

1.) To stay?

OR

2.) To go?

These are the questions that makes relationships a problem for most. Some people often feel trapped between those two questions. Not everyone has the will and desire to always stay. Not everyone will settle down and some will choose to go. But what happens to the ones who can’t choose between 1 or 2?

If a person can’t select an option between option 1 or option 2, they will create a 3rd option for themselves.

3.) Cheat.

I strongly believe the most common mistake an individual makes that ruins his/her relationship is cheating. It’s so easy to cheat. It’s so easy to lie. Yet, to a point those lies will haunt you and will cost you so much than you can ever imagine. Cheating will impact the way you behave around your partner. This sudden change of behaviour will let your partner know something is wrong. Eventually, no matter how much you try to hide your infidelities, your partner will find out one way or another. Your lies will always catch up on you. I learned this the hard way.

Once all my lies caught up on me, I lost someone whom I cared for at the time… I didn’t deserve his kind soul and I lost all of him. But now that I think about it, after being cheated on, I understand why he left. The pain I placed on him was my fault because I was too selfish to consider his feelings. But it wasn’t only selfishness that led me towards cheating. There was so much more into it.

I think that a person cheats because he/she don’t understand themselves. I also think that a person cheats because they don’t love themselves enough, therefore they seek love in those whom they think are capable of giving them the love they need. Another reason why I think some people cheat is simply because they’re weaker than most… it’s easier to cheat than to breakup with someone… cheating is just so much easier when you’re at a low point in your life. I cheated because I felt all of these.

At 16 years old, I understood the importance of loyalty and honesty in a relationship. I knew what I was doing was wrong… I knew that cheating was not how I would want my relationship to end, yet I did it because I felt trapped… like I had no other choice. 

But I had a choice.

I wished I never cheated, because no one deserves the pain of feeling like they aren’t good enough. I wish I never cheated, because no one deserves to feel like they can be easily replaced… like they aren’t worthy of respect and real love. I wish I never cheated so that I wouldn’t be carrying the guilt of cheating for many years after. I wish I was a better person then.

Now, I’ve experienced being in the end of both sides: the one who cheated, and the one who got cheated on. In my lifetime I had already selected two choices. I chose option, “2.) To go”,  after I got cheated on. But before that, I also made my own option, “3.) cheat”,  at a time wherein I wasn’t sure of myself. Now there’s one option left. As of right now, I choose to stay.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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