The Number One Reason Why Relationships Fail: Lies

June 7, 2017

Dear Readers,

If we can all be honest to our partners, I wonder how many relationships out there could had been saved. If we all sided with the truth, I wonder how many couple’s fights could had been avoided. If we all never lied to each other as a partner, a friend, a human being, I wonder how much better the world would be today. But sometimes, even the ones whom you think will never lie, will do it too. At some point, no matter how much you have sworn you will never lie to someone who is special to you, at some point even you will cross that line. We are humans, and we are so easily tempted to make the wrong choices to benefit our own. We all have selfish sides, and my own selfishness caused me to lose a relationship. Here’s to another failed relationship on my behalf.

I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I destroyed us. This post is for you, my long distance friend whom could had been so much more. I failed you and I failed our potential at becoming more… and with that I am awfully sorry. 

I had been fairly open about my “love life” here on this blog. Many of you already know about the special someone I had been talking closely to for the past 5 months. Importantly, many of you by now knows about the undeniably far distance that separates us. Given how we had never met and the distance dividing us, our relationship’s failure was inevitable. Many, including myself, truly hoped that him and I would work out and prove the universe and its doubters wrong. However, we became just another statistic of failed long distance relationships. We became nothing, yet at some point we both were hoping to become something greater.

Let me tell you why we failed… because in this situation, the distance was not the only reason why.

Since the beginning, I had always been hesitant about getting into a long distance relationship. For those of you who may not know me on a personal level, one key thing about my personality is that I am a planner. I like to plan things in advance, especially details about my life and how I want it to look like in the future. With this in mind, I tried envisioning my life with him in the picture. Most scenarios I made in my head would had been possible, but I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy route. I pictured all the great parts of what could had been us… parts such as our first meeting, him visiting me in Calgary, me flying to California to visit him, introducing each other to our families and friends, etc. But reality eventually hit me, this relationship is manageable and totally attainable, however it is going to be an expensive one. For us to be physically together, there will be a great deal of flying and travelling involved. In addition, at some point in the far future, this constant “travelling” will have to result to a permanent solution. Therefore, one of us would have to sacrifice and move for the other. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy journey right from the beginning, yet I continued talking to him for many more months after the first.

My fear of being committed into a long distance relationship lead to me behaving more distantly from him. The past few weeks, I had been investing less and less of my time in him. I used my social life and busy schedule to cope with the problem I already had in mind. We also had been arguing tremendously for the past month and I was not willing to have more arguments. Our arguments were immature ones too. For the most part, our arguments sparked from our poor communication and depreciating effort and time for each other. Due to my arrogant and selfish side, I did what I do best… I kept my distance and selfishly prioritize my own happiness in exchange for his.

I believe my main mistake with dealing against the distance was my quietness about the topic and lack of communication. I never told him about how scared I was to be committed in a long distance relationship. I never told him about my concerns and doubts. I kept it all to myself and only shared it with my friends. Maybe, if I had been more vocal about it, maybe him and I could had figured out a plan on overcoming the distance. But instead, I chose to remain silent.

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL OF IT

3 weeks ago I unexpectedly met someone who is now becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life. Let’s call him, “Jay” and I also need to add a quick disclaimer: before this Jay (NOT MY EX JAY) entered the picture, “American Bae” and I had already been going through a rough time.

When we were starting the baby phases of our long distance relationship, we agreed on us not being exclusive to each other. We were very close, but we were never official or committed to a “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship. Therefore, we allowed each other to talk to other people with the respect of telling the other what was going on. This is where I messed up. I kept Jay as a secret from him. We had an agreement that solely relied upon honesty and trust, an agreement that I clearly broke by choosing not to disclose the growing relationship between Jay and I. Worst of all, I even lied to him multiple times about my whereabouts just to hide my romantic activities with Jay. On our last call made on June 1, 2017, I finally confessed and told him the truth about Jay and why I had been acting differently within the past weeks prior to our “talk”.

Now, there are also a few key points that I should mention. Before some of you may start thinking, “well Dez, since you weren’t an exclusive couple, I think what you did was fine…” It would had been fine, if I never lied. On top of the lies, his commitment was only on me. He only talked to me and ONLY ME for the past 5 months and never had any interests in other girls… and trust me, with his good looks and charm, he can easily get any girl he wants… BUT NO… his time and attention was only devoted for me. Yet, I failed to devote myself for him. I was too selfish to consider his sacrifices and commitments. I was too selfish and weak, that I even resulted to lying for my own benefit. Worst part is, my lies not only ruined our relationship, it also ruined his ability to trust again… just like how my EX ruined my ability to trust again too. Ohhh man, the irony of it all. I stooped so low and became as worst as my EX was. I became the liar who selfishly ended a relationship with so much potential of becoming great. A lie will always be a lie and a lie made once can destroy one’s ability to trust again. This is why I can never forgive myself for my behaviour.

That’s not the worst of it, this August he was planning to surprise me on my birthday by coming up to Canada to meet me. He has been planning this surprise trip with the help of my friend. This information made me realize how he had his life all planned out too… On our last FaceTime call he told me that in August is when he was planning to ask me to be his “official girlfriend”. He wanted to make “us” official and he wanted to achieve this in person instead of proposing through FaceTime. Just like me, he was planning his future too, but his future plans included me in it. He even went as far as telling me that he was planning on finishing his current work commitments and was planning on eventually moving to Canada to finish his post-secondary education.

Hearing all of his plans saddened me, because I never knew about it and I wanted it ALL TO HAPPEN TOO. It took me by surprise how he wanted me to be a part of his life, yet I wasn’t willing to include him in mine. After hearing about his plans, I started envisioning how we could work… but my visions came a little too late. He was angered by my actions and his trust in me will never be the same. A part of me still hopes for his plans to come true, but given what I did, it will all remain as a plan that will never lead towards fruition.

Despite my poor choice of actions and unforgivable behaviour, I learned many things from American Bae. Without his presence in my life, I would had never understood the importance communication in a relationship. In addition, his presence in my life taught me the true importance of honesty, truth, and integrity within all relationships. From this experience, I’ve grown to realize that even I will lie too… even I am willing to make the same mistakes that my EX made in order to protect myself from getting hurt and to secure my own happiness. This experience made me realize just how much I hated lying to my partner, and I will make sure, that from here on end, all my relationships will be built on a strong foundation of honesty. Hopefully, the older me will be a woman who will stand firm in honesty, truth, and loyalty. I know I made a terrible mistake, and because of this I swear I will never repeat the same mistake again.

A relationship grows from a couple’s ability to communicate, while honesty is what secures a relationship’s longevity. 

Sincerely,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Man Does Not Exist – My List Keeps Failing Me and My EX BAES

May 18, 2017

Dear Readers,

Ideally, we should all have a catered checklist which consists of qualities, traits, and other requirements we are searching for in a mate. I for one, have a long list of what I want from my next partner. This detailed “checklist” is partially to blame of why my last 3 potential “bae” (slang meaning of: stands for “before anything else”. BAE is someone you care for, admire and/or love) had failed and had been cut from the “boyfriend selection list”.

You see, my list is not that long. However, my list is very, very, very specific. There are 10 core things I had written on my checklist:

1.) Tall – Height must be at least 5’9 – anything taller is strongly desired.

2.) Age and Level of Maturity – Personally, I will not date someone younger than me by over a year – I may however, consider dating someone within a year younger, if his maturity level is a up to par of my expectations. This checklist entry, is driven from my strong attraction to men who are mature enough for a long-term relationship. I am so done affiliating myself with “fuckboys” (slang meaning of: a male who is notoriously known for breaking hearts and sleeping with multiple females. A fuckboy is also someone whose phone password you will never ever know… God forbid, no one must ever know how many DM’s he has slid into OR how many girls he’s currently texting and calling his “bae”).

3.) Stability – In terms of emotional stability, I want a man who knows what he wants, strives for what he wants, and secures what he wants. I don’t have time to be wasting it on unqualified, emotionally unstable boys, I need a man with emotional stability!!!!

4.) Career Oriented – Please, be someone who have a dream and a goal to achieve!! I want my future partner to have a passion in his chosen career. PLUS: I need a man who can financially provide for OUR future family. (WAKE UP LADIES!!! This is real life, stop wasting your time with bums if you’re a woman with a future).

5.) Personality – I need a man who has flavour. To my gents reading this, learn how to be a communicator. Have some humour, be interesting, talk more, tell me stories, let me know about your hobbies, tell me about your mom or your siblings… Seriously, just do something to keep me interested in you. HAVE SOME CHARACTER IN YOU, PLEASE.

6.) Asian (or at least have a strong sense and understanding of the Asian culture) – Having the ability to share my culture with my mate is truly a requirement for me. He must be able to accept and live with my traditions and values, which is why I strongly prefer to date someone from an Asian descent OR date someone who is informed and accepting of my Asian-Filipino culture.

7.) Style – This is a requirement that overshadows the “Tall” requirement. If you’re a short man, but have a great sense of style, I’m willing to drop the height requirement just for that. I like men who have a great sense of style, because I for one like to believe that I am fashionable individual. Preferably, I like men who dress as a unique mixture of hypebeast, hipster, and classy all at once. If you want an example, search up “Brian Puspos” in Instagram (he’s my definition of style bae).

8.) Family Man – My family is an essential part of my life. Therefore, I expect my next bae to be family oriented too.

9.) Loyal – I’ve been cheated on before, and I don’t plan on getting cheated on again. BUT – how can you predict the future and what it entails? How can you tell if the person you’re currently dating is loyal or not? EASY ANSWER: Dive into his past and figure out if he has ever cheated or not. I’m a strong believer that a man who has cheated before, is likely to cheat once again. Also, you can test his loyalty further down the relationship… but until then, looking back into his past is a great start.

10.) Sex Game is Strong – Pretty self-explanatory.

After reading this list, I can finally tell you about the past 3 EX baes I had spent time with from the past few months. These men were amazing in their own rights, but I still deemed them to be not good enough as a partner for me. I felt some connection within these 3 EX baes, but the connection was not enough to satisfy my list. Let me tell you about them real quick and tell you why they were quickly removed off the boyfriend selection list.

BAE 1:

He was the rebound whom “ghosted” (slang meaning of: ignoring someone and randomly disappearing without a trace after all the invested time spent talking to each other) me after all the shady circumstances I put him through. To be honest, he wasn’t much of a loss because he didn’t meet number 1, 2, 3, and 5 in my checklist. This discouraged me from wanting more from him, regardless of what “connection” I was feeling for him at the time. BAE 1 used to be a friend of my ex, who clearly crossed the “bro code” – if such thing still exists in today’s generation. After my ex and I broke up, I used him as a mean to forget and quickly recover from my loss, he became my rebound. At some point, I did consider him as a potential partner and more than just a rebound. He had some checklist material in him, he definitely had number 10 going on… But STILL… the list prevented me from being “good” to him. I didn’t see any strong potential of a long term relationship, which is why I didn’t try hard enough to keep him in my life. So, I deliberately exposed him to his “friend” (my ex) without any deep hesitation or thought into it. Hence, why he ghosted me. #savage

BAE 2:

He is the perfect friend in all aspects, and I truly thought we would become something more than just friends. But then again, like BAE 1 he also failed to meet some items in my lists. For one, he failed to meet number 6 which was an instant turn off for me. Another aspect that bothered me was how his personality just doesn’t click with mine. His interests and hobbies were completely different from mine. So, as much as he had his own character, the 5th item on the list was quite not there for me. BAE 2 also needed to improve on his style game, thus checklist number 7 wasn’t quite there as well. However, he had amazing qualities too!!! He truly has 2, 3, 4, 8, and 9 on lock. Regardless, I had deemed after referring back to my list that we are better off as friends.

BAE 3:

Oh man, this guy is my definition of attractive. BAE 3 definitely has number 1, 5, 7, and 8, on lock. But then again, there are some complications going on with him too… How can one be so physically attractive yet lack stability and loyalty? I shouldn’t let his past define him, but he is a true fuckboy and I don’t have time to be wasting it on a fuckboy. So, with that, he’s also off the boyfriend selection list.

To my avid readers wondering, what happened to American BAE?

Well, he’s still around and we are still talking… I don’t want to give out too much information about this particular “relationship” because we’re currently doing just fine as we are. I don’t want to jinx and ruin something that has the potential of becoming great.

IN ALL

I learned that I still need to keep searching for my “perfect man”. My friend once told me that there is no such thing as a perfect man, and I agree with her. You see, I understand that we all are imperfect and we all have flaws. But the point of having this list is to select a handful of qualities and characteristics you truly want from your partner, which can hopefully outweigh all the other flaws. If this list was meant for me to find the perfect man, there should be more items on it than just the 10 points I had listed. If this list was aimed at finding the perfect man, I should have 200 more items in the list… but no… It’s not about finding the perfect man, it’s more about finding the one man worth accepting all his other flaws for. This list exists as a guide to remind me of what I want, and what I need. Until then, if I can’t find a person who fits this list every other man will just feel subpar and inadequate.

So… with this in mind, I hope you keep searching lovelies… keep believing that your soulmate is out there somewhere and that he/she is searching for you too.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

My First Magazine Feature!!!!

May 15, 2017

Dear Readers,

This blog and everything in it expresses me!!! This blog represents my dreams, goals, my being, my core, my life and purest joys. Since the launch of my blog, I had been receiving great praises and high support with “dezleighh.com”. This magazine feature which my friend wrote for me is truly remarkable and inspiring. The experience of being interviewed and having another write about my past experiences was different and unique. The best part of this interview is having to read and see the finish product!!!

This magazine article is amazing!!! Please, give it a read:

FULL MAGAZINE PDF

 

magazine-2017 (dragged)-page-001

Once again, thank you so much Amy!!! This magazine and your blog needs more attention and readers!!! Check out Amy’s blog at:

http://www.thaomibui.com/

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.