Reflections of a 4th Year Uni Kid

November 14, 2017

Dear Readers,

4th year of university is a beautiful combination of fear and excitement. Excitement as in you’re so close to being done with school – and the feeling of accomplishment and success is maximized each day as you get closer to graduation day… yet the fear exists as you transition into the stages of adulthood, as in the fear of “growing up”, from job hunting to moving out, to going to work religiously from Mondays to Fridays, all the while paying for your adult bills and student loans.

It’s so fascinating how much time flies within the years you spend in university. I spent 4 autumns studying the mesmerizing world of accounting. I spent four falls and four winters going to campus, studying, drinking my half steeped tea-half french vanilla from Tims, 4 falls and 4 winters worth of stressing about assignments, tests, midterms, and finals. 4 cold winters of driving 20 to 30 minutes everyday on the icy roads of Sarcee Trail and Crowchild. 4 falls and 4 winters of lectures…. note taking…. socializing…. growth… and discovering myself.

Without a doubt, I wouldn’t had wanted it any other way.

During the past 4 years, I made friends, and created enemies too. I met plenty of outstanding individuals, such as Professor Shiraz Kurji who had impacted my life beyond knowledge and pushed me towards self-discovery. I met people who inspires me everyday, and people who had inspired me at times wherein I needed it the most. In the last four fall semesters I spent in Mount Royal University, this fall semester is perhaps the best one.

This fall, with the sight of graduation day inching closer and closer, I find myself more determined to graduate. My desire to conquer everything I have not yet conquered in university is heightened. The new Riddell library is like my second home lately, and the communities around Mount Royal safeguards my car for the day. The gym is like my escape room – a place wherein I can find peace through running on the treadmill. The hallways seem so familiar, yet becoming more unfamiliar each day as newer faces comes in and out. EVERYTHING about this LAST FALL SEMESTER is a mix of joy and sad.

So far, I had learned how to budget my money, prepare my food, wake up early, be punctual, how to send a professional e-mail, file my taxes, balance a balance sheet, prepare financial statements, be a team player, how to lose and gain weight, where to park for free around campus, best times to study, and SO MUCH MORE.

But the best lesson I learned so far, is that time flies fast.

At the beginning, four years of university seemed like a stretch. 4 years seemed too long. Now, as a student in her 4th year, I’m looking back at the past years and questioning myself, “how did time fly so fast….”

For the newbies, the “first year brats”, believe me when I say, “You have so much to learn with so little time”.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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Worst Halloween Ever – Talked To My Ex

November 1, 2017

Dear Readers,

There will come a point in your life wherein you will find yourself questioning your current relationship because of the memories your past created. My Halloween ended in a way that had me doubting and questioning my current relationship with Jason. What was supposed to be a magical night dressed as a pair of unicorns, turned into another night of Jason crying, and me trying to figure out what the hell is fucking wrong with me –  Seriously, I think I’m still emotionally and mentally damaged from all the lies I forced myself to believe and all the truth I had to uncover.

A year ago, someone decided to stop fighting for me. Now, I have a man who’s willing to go above and beyond to fight for me, to keep me, to love me, to be there for me, and to be someone I need. Yet, I keep pushing Jason away solely because I have personal trust issues, doubts and insecurities. Our relationship is too good to be true, and that scares me!!! I didn’t know a healthy, loving, and happy relationship truly exists… which is why I keep questioning the reality of us… I never had anything like this amazing before!

I still have so much untold stories that I had been keeping away from Jason. Tonight, I realized just how important it is for your current lover to understand your past, in order for you both to move forward.

But how did all of this start?

Well for starters, this would had been our first Halloween together. Jason and I planned a nice, mellow Halloween night of giving out candies to the kids trick or treating at my house. We also planned to wear matching last minute costumes as unicorns, which I spent a few hours making. We had the night planned out. I was excited. But, Jason decided to tilt my energy and ruin my excitement with one text message.

“Can I come over later after 8:00 pm – I’m going to workout”

W.T.F

Seriously – Of all the nights to change the plans, why this one? There are 5 days within the year in which I hate being alone, or any sudden cancellations, or any major change of plans:

1.) Valentine’s Day

2.) My birthday

3.) Halloween

4.) Christmas

5.) New Year’s Eve

Any other day truly does not matter to me – go ahead, cancel our plans, I’ll be fine with it… just don’t do it within the days listed above!

Another facet of my personality, is that I absolutely hate sudden changes. There is nothing more that triggers my annoyance, and frustration than an ongoing plan getting cancelled or changed so last minute, backed up by some dumb reason or excuse. In particular, I did not want to spend this Halloween alone considering how my last Halloween experience was pretty depressing… you guys already know what went down last year… for my new readers, read this Broken: October 30, 2016.

Given that, I took Jason’s simple text a little too much out of context – leading to me ignoring his text messages for the duration of the day and most of the night.

Then, out of my pure boredom and annoyance of how “amazing everyone’s Halloween is”, and with my jealousy of all the cute “couple costumes” circulating social media, I decided to revisit my old blogposts. (I swear, my blogpost is both a blessing and curse – it’s like a vivid description of what I was feeling at the time it was written)

In this light, upon laying aimlessly and annoyed on my bed, I decided to send my ex a text.

Yeah – I messed up.

Our conversation was mature. No tea, no shade, but my ex is holding up well… good on him! For those about to blow up with curiosity, asking “what did you guys talk about?!!?”, let me give you a quick insight of what our 30 minute phone conversation consisted:

-What he did with our old photos

-Updates with his current life

-His work and my school

-Photography

-Jason

You see, with maturity and in time, even the most damaged individuals can have a mature conversation with the person who damaged them. No feelings were attached in sending these text messages, which eventually led to 30-minutes long phone conversation. I truly did not feel any desire of wanting him back, nor did I want to go back to what we used to be. We seem to be in better places now… and I’m happy for the both of us for finding our own space to grow. Importantly, the conversation made me realize just how much of a better place I am in today.

It was just nice to quickly catch up, seal some open wounds, give forgiveness, clarify some facts, and say those final goodbyes – that’s exactly how my conversation with my ex went down.

NOW – After the phone call with my ex, I finally replied to Jason’s texts and missed calls. By the end of the drama, Jason drove over and we talked. Before he left, I told him everything that went down, how upset I got after his tilting text message, how much I was looking forward to the night we originally planned, how my frustrations led to me talking to my ex, and how I am so sorry for ignoring him and not opening up to him as much as I should had.

yeah… it’s a lot… isn’t it?

By the end of the day, Jason is my man. Jason is the person I’m in love with, and the person I want. This is just one over-hyped Halloween night that turned bad… I know for certain we will have plenty, plenty more Halloweens together. So, for future purposes, to avoid petty and unnecessary fights, opening up to your partner about how you truly feel is always the best way to go. For example, instead of ignoring Jason’s texts the whole day, I should had told him that he should just skip his workout and stick to our plans… I should had told him how much this night meant to me… and how excited I was to dress up and take photos with him! But instead of doing that, I took the petty way out… I closed myself out and left him to “figure out” what I truly wanted. (I feel like all girls do this anyways, so I’m not even fully guilty)

In addition, I learned that revisiting the past should not be a scary experience, rather it should be a healthy and positive reminder of your current life. Your past should remind you of how much you had grown, remind you of areas you still need to grow, and your past must remind you of what you should be truly thankful for. Perhaps, revisiting the past in other ways than direct contact with your ex would be better… but hey, your girl is pretty impulsive… soooo we’ll just try to let that go for now – let’s focus on the lessons I learned (insert smirking emoji*) 

In summary, Jason and I are still together, in love, a little sleep deprived, but we’re happy – I’m looking forward to a better Halloween in 2018!

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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The Lessons Time Can Teach

October 1, 2017

Dear Readers,

This time around last year I was in a toxic relationship that blinded me from seeing my own truth. This time last year, I had different goals, and my priorities were not the same. It took a heartbreak to make me realize how I was straying farther and farther away from the person I truly wanted to be.

I had to redefine myself, and correct the past mistakes I made.

The past few weeks I had been trying to figure out myself. In the broadest way, I went searching for how I want “Mary Dezleigh Teodosio” to be like around this time again next year. A year ago I thought I would be someone else, and now I’m reevaluating it all. Now, I find myself picking up the slack on all the lectures I missed, waking up earlier for all the days I slept too much in, eating healthier for all the crappy food I had been feeding my body, socializing more in return for all the missed memories I could had made, working harder, being better, and loving a hundred times stronger.

The future is truly unpredictable. Tomorrow holds thousands of uncertainties. The next hour is another chapter to unravel. The next minute still has more. The next second is still a breath away. So, how am I suppose to prepare myself right now for who I will be tomorrow… next week… next month… next year? Who will I be then?

This is how I learned to believe and have faith that the greater good will come to those who wait. Patience learned from the cruelty of time, is a lesson worth learning. Time is neither a foe or an ally. Time is simply a measure of when the seasons change, the days passing, and the amount of growth we make. In so, I learned that time can be whatever you make it to be. Since time itself is not the sole indicator of one’s growth, time can be construed to fit in any possible way you want it to be. If you want to take your time in doing things a certain way, then so be it. If rushing and living life on the fast lane is more your style, then go for it! You have the ability to control your own time and how you want it to be spent – your life is yours to live.

But there is one lesson that our time will teach us in return.

Time taught me how to be patient. Regardless of how slow or fast I took things, I learned that if it’s not meant to be for me, it won’t happen. I learned that no matter how much I planned and dreamed, if it wasn’t destined for me, it won’t happen. For each failure in relationships, academics, life, and love I’ve ever had, I learned that there is a purpose behind it all. My patience taught me how to be strong and how to have faith in the uncertainties of life. I learned that I don’t always know the answer on “how to live a good life” and sometimes, what I want is simply not meant for me.

I learned that time can create better beings in lost souls. I learned that people can change in due time. I learned that we all have a purpose in this life, and eventually we will slowly unravel it day by day… but only to unravel so little of that purpose, and not to reveal its entirety. I learned that our quest to seek for our full life’s purpose, in chasing for time, and being patient throughout the process of its discovery is what creates a meaningful life.

Importantly, I learned to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that our time is the most valuable component of our lives.

At this point, I’m still trying to figure out who, what, and where I want to be in life. However, the process of figuring it all out is so much easier now since I had been falling in love with someone new. Love is so unpredictable, one minute you’re in love, then you’re out of love, and next thing you know you’re back to falling in love all over again.

Yes – I am talking about Mr. Jason Yang. His arrival in my life made me realize that I can fall in love again, and correct my past faults. I’ve been so lost in falling in love, yet I had not fallen out of myself either. Right now, I had found a partner I can build a future with… and our dream coincidentally match each other’s. I finally found a match to push me academically, professionally, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And to think that the last year me didn’t know about this person coming into my life today… is insanely absurd!!!

Meeting Jason is proof that good things will come to those who wait. Meeting Jason gave my past troubles a reason. Meeting Jason is giving me a purpose to be better. Who knew that losing an old flame can result into a bigger, brighter, and stronger flame… a flame big enough to outshine the sun in me, like a supernova just waiting to explode… not in a catastrophic end, but towards rebirth of a new star.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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