Love is a Matter of Choice – You Control Your Love and Life

May 11, 2017

Dear Readers,

Love is beautiful when it’s in the blooming phases, yet it is the ugliest when it fades to an end. As two people fall in love for each other, it starts as a feeling of pure magic and ecstasy. During the first phases of love, it feels as if you can conquer the world as long as your partner is with you. Gaining a “ride or die” mate, is an empowering feeling because it leads you to believe that you will always have someone throughout the thick and thin chapters of life. Love will have you feeling as if you are now completely unstoppable to do whatever you want just because you gained a trusted companion. But in reality, love doesn’t always last forever. No matter how much love a couple has for each other that love has the potential of losing its spark. Love can also end as a tragic tale. Often, love ends in the most painful way destroying each sides involved in the ordeal. However, the concept of love is not in the pain or beauty of it, but more of understanding how it truly works. The importance of love is to understand that we have the ability to control it all. We choose who we love, when to love, how to love, and what to love.

And when love ends, it may be too difficult to repair what has been lost and even more difficult to restart once again. 

This may not be true for some lovers who had gone their own separate ways, then found each other again many years later. There are couples out there who lost their ways as lovers, yet destiny reunited their paths back to each other. For those couples who are currently in love with their past mates as their future selves, I am very happy for you. But this story is mine, and sadly it doesn’t seem like I will be happily “in love” for awhile.

Everything we go through in life is a test of time. Life is a series of tests and with each test we are given two options: choosing to pass or choosing to fail (I’ll expand on this idea later on). I believe that we dictate the story of our lives to an extent, solely on the decisions we make. For example, consider the last person whom you loved and consider all the reasons why you fell in love for that person. Did you fall in love with that person’s personality? Did you admire his physical appearance? Were you attracted to their intelligence and charm? What really made you fall in love?

We fall in love with someone because we choose to. Love is a matter of constant decision makings and to an extent, we have the power to let ourselves fall in love with someone. Destiny and the laws of attraction can only work for so long, then it ultimately ends to your decision of whether or not you will choose to fight, to live, to be committed, to marry, to start a family, and to stay “in love” with another. If you still believe that love is not a matter of choice, then why do people still propose for marriage? Why does one need to ask another for their hands in marriage? If love wasn’t a matter of choice, why do divorces exist and still persist? Lastly, if it wasn’t a matter of choice, why do couples fall out of love?

If love was not a matter of choice, then love should be a reason enough to withstand all tests of time. If love was not a matter of choice, then love should be enough to resolve a couple’s differences, to heal a couple’s wounds, to liberate a couple from the feeling of isolation, and to answer all the obscurities of a relationship.  If love was not a matter of choice, love should be a reason enough to explain why there are no such things as “breakups”, “divorces”, and “going our own separate ways”. But since “breakups”, “divorces”, and “going our own separate ways” still exists, the theory of love being a choice is logically sound and true. At the end of the day, we are the ones who choose to stay in a relationship, we choose who we love, we choose to fight for the ones we love and we choose who we stay in love with.

Continuing on the two options I mentioned earlier, “choosing to pass or choosing to fail” 

We choose to “fail” in a relationship the moment we decide to stop trying. A relationship’s failure can be blamed on the individual’s decision to give up and choosing to stop “loving” their partner. Rationalize love through this, if you had already “fallen” for someone then how is it possible for you to “fall” out of love? You can’t fall out, when you had already fallen in. Visually, imagine life as a giant basket, love as a rock, and you as the controller. Once you had placed the rock inside the basket it will remain inside that basket until you decide to take it out. But if you leave that rock untouched inside the basket, it won’t go anywhere else, and essentially that’s what love is like. You have the control of selecting the type of love you want in your life. You control what rocks will remain in your basket, and which ones will be removed. A couple’s love will survive for as long as that rock is kept inside the basket. This ties me back to the idea of love being a “choice”. A relationship ends because in a way, one or both partners had decided to stop trying and chose to give up. Don’t blame love for the mishap of your relationship… blame yourself for not trying hard enough.

To “pass” the test of time in terms of love, both the partners involved within the relationship must constantly choose to fight for each other and choose to stay in love. No matter what difficulties comes in between a couple, love is a constant choice of staying, commitment, loyalty, trust, communication, understanding, and willingness to try. For a couple to understand this rationale and live with it, is how they can “pass” the tests of love.

I can’t just be friends with you. 

Given this long explanation about love being a choice, I am currently choosing to stay out of love. Romantically, my dear readers already know of how “single” and “available” I am. Although, I must admit that it is liberating and freeing to be independent, I still occasionally find myself yearning for love. After being in a relationship for 5 years, I sometimes find myself missing some aspects of a relationship. I’m human too! I do crave the physical intimacy, the cuddles, date nights, kissing, holding someone, and having someone to call at any given time of the day or night. In all honesty, I truly do miss my ex and there is still some love in me for him.

The other night, he approached me with the desire of us being “friends”. The idea of being just “friends” with my ex is absurdly painful. I can’t see myself as just his friend after all that we had been through. Above all, there is no possible way we can just be friends knowing that I still have love for him from deep within. It’s not fair, because by being “friends” I will just find myself too attached with someone whom I have no authority to claim as my significant other.

At this point I had determined the best answer to my “love” dilemma. To the ex, I see us ending in 2 ways and it will result from what we choose at the end.

1.) We go our separate ways forever.

2.) We improve ourselves enough to reconnect and restart all over again, as lovers.

Now the question is, what do you choose? 

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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Peace of Mind

May 8, 2017

Dear Readers,

It makes me sad to reflect upon my past and the people whom I used to hold the dearest in my heart. Particularly, I had been thinking a lot about the last person I loved dearly. I often find myself questioning all the endless possibilities of what we could had been… All the potential we had… And all the dreams I hoped for which had him in it.

I know we ended for a reason, for a deep purpose, and perhaps, it’s for the better.

“In all honesty, I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss your company. I miss your humour. I miss your sarcasm. I miss your family. I miss your touch. I miss all of you… Above all, I miss US and everything that we used to be.”

Regardless of how much I miss you and long for you, these are still not enough reasons for me to forgive you. You destroyed me in the most painful possible way. A big part of me died when you did all the terrible things you did… all the lies, the betrayals, the harsh rejection, the pain… all of these shattered me. Many months after, I’m still repairing myself from all the areas you destroyed and recovering from all the torn places you left behind. I’m still pathetically picking up the crumbs of my being, and rebuilding a stronger foundation for myself.

Yet you still had the fucking audacity to interrupt my current peace of mind through an overdue “I’m sorry” text, many, many, many months later. 

“What was the purpose of sending me that text on a random Sunday night? What did you want? We already had enough closure and you had clearly moved on. SO, PLEASE, TELL ME, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

Isn’t it frustrating, how each time you finally think you’re about ready to take another step forward, your past haunts you back. In the past, each time my EX would come around through the slightest of ways such as a text or call, I would always respond and allow him back in. Each time I reply to his random texts, they all end in the same way… ending to me feeling broken, cheated, used, and hurt once again. I’ve made this mistake of entertaining him way too many times, but not this time.

This time, I’m strong enough to keep going and move forward. I’m finally strong enough to ignore him. I’ve grown to understand that it will end in the same way as it always does… ending to me being too attached… and him not giving enough and wanting less. So why fucking bother. I’m tired of this cycle.

You see, an important lesson which I learned throughout my healing journey is that my peace of mind is very important to my well-being. I’d rather be at peace with myself than to be in total chaos in the company of someone I love. I’d rather be happy and at peace alone, than to be in the company of someone who interrupts my peace of mind. I’ve learned that if you can’t be happy within the confines of your own being, then there is absolutely no way that you will find happiness from someone else. So, please, do yourself a favour, and put yourself FIRST… always.

Do what is right for you and your peace of mind. If it will destroy your inner peace and awaken your inner demons, then don’t do it. Even if it kills you, learn how to handle the pain in order to maintain your inner peace. It may hurt so much right now, but in the long run it will create a stronger you and lead towards a happier you. Eventually, you will realize that you don’t need anyone to be happy, your happiness solely depends on you. On that Sunday night, it honestly killed me to ignore his text and it took every inch of my will power to ignore his text – But I did it, because I knew that I can’t go back to suffering that pain anymore. At this time, I should only focus on healing and moving forward.

To the broken,

Be strong for yourself, because you’re all that you need at this moment. Protect your peace of mind because the chaos will only keep you insane. I believe that you are strong enough to choose yourself, so please, go ahead and do it… choose wisely, and I hope you choose yourself.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.